How To Set Boundaries With Men & Examples Of Healthy Boundaries

How to set boundaries with men examples Examples of healthy boundaries in relationships

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This is probably one of the hardest relationship topics I’ve ever tried to discuss. And this is the longest post I’ve ever written. It’s difficult mainly because boundaries are a very conceptual topic. What boundaries you might have someone else might not have, your boundaries might change with time or you might have a boundary you don’t even know about until it’s crossed. Learning how to set boundaries with men is not an easy task especially when we’ve been conditioned to give, give, give to our partners. In this post, I’m going to give you examples of healthy boundaries in relationships.

This post is really going to help you:
Understand why boundaries are necessary;
Identify what boundaries you have;
Identify moments when your boundaries are crossed; and
Understand the common ways boundaries are crossed and how to combat disrespectful behavior.

Why Learning How To Set Boundaries With Men Is Necessary

As women, we’ve been taught to give ourselves totally to our partners and hold nothing back. I don’t know if it’s from watching too many Disney movies or bad parenting advice to “play nice and share,” but women these days are finding themselves feeling lost, used, and walked all over in their dating lives.

You can go on any relationship forum and find constant posts on “Am I being used?” “I told him to stop doing this but he keeps doing X,Y,Z.” “My partner is doing X, am I overreacting?” These are posts about boundaries that were crossed. More often than not, these women “gave in” to the poor behavior and now are concerned about the state of their relationship and left feeling disrespected.

In the end of the day, learning how to set boundaries with men is not about CONTROL but about maintaining your own self esteem, mental health and self respect.
For this benefit ALONE we need to establish boundaries.
Because we all have felt that small sick feeling in the pit of our stomachs when a boundary has been pushed or cast aside and we didn’t give ourselves the chance to speak up.

Learning how to set boundaries with men is important whether you’re just dating casually or already married. Setting boundaries early will strengthen your relationships and take the guess work and miscommunication out of any encounter.

How to identify what boundaries you have:

Determining what boundaries we already have is the first step in being able to set them properly. A lot of times when I ask my friends where they see their relationships going or what they want out of their dating experiences I get, “oh, I don’t know, I just want to see where things go,” or “I’m just seeing my options, not decided on anything yet.”

This sort of wishy-washy mindset comes from the hopeful positive belief that if you keep things open, anything can happen. And that’s right, ANYTHING will happen and not necessarily things you wanted or expected.

Example) Jill has been dating Tom casually, she decided to keep things open and wasn’t ready to demand commitment. She was seeing him and a few other guys but she is sexually active with Tom only. After a sexual encounter with Tom, she notices that she’s getting pimples around her mouth and her genitals. At the Doctor’s office, it’s confirmed Tom gave her Herpes Virus 1 and she’ll be getting cold sores the rest of her life. She confronts Tom and finds out he’s also been dating around, a lot. This wasn’t what she wanted out of her open dating experience, but this was the result. (This actually happened to someone I know).

Terrible story, but life doesn’t play favorites and messed up things happen in the dating world all the time.

The key to establishing boundaries is to really THINK what you want out of any encounter, what you want out of your relationships, then determine your dealbreakers. These dealbreakers need to have consequences you stick with. Another essential part is to VOCALIZE your boundaries and ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE CROSSED. Hell needs to be raised when a boundary is crossed.

Jill later decided she was done with these open relationships. She decided that saying no to the forever talking phase was a boundary she needed to set. She knew she was still a catch so she decided to only have sex AFTER she secured commitment first. A lot of men walked away after hearing her demands but one man stayed and took the time to date her properly. She married him 3 years later.

So thinking through what your values are, what you will and will not accept from a potential partner or the partner you already have, and then vocalizing + committing to creating consequences for poor behavior are how you identify and set boundaries.

How to identify when you’re boundaries are crossed

Sometimes we’re presented with a situation that is ambiguous. We’re not sure if we’re being disrespected or not.

There are are two ways that a boundary can be crossed and here are examples of non healthy boundaries in relationships

1) Someone violates what you’ve already expressed as something you didn’t like or felt comfortable with. Example: Jens boyfriend is always late to dates, even though she’s expressly told him she hates it.

2) Someone, through manipulation, misinformation, deceit and lies, gets you to step outside of what you would normally do otherwise if you had all the information. Ex: John tells his girlfriend Megan he’s meeting a friend for drinks at a local bar to catch up. In reality, he’s meeting at a bar where he knows his ex girlfriend works and the bar is having a girls night promotion. Megan finds out when another buddy tags him in pics accidentally. Megan would have said she was uncomfortable if she knew the whole truth upfront, but now John’s backpedaling and calling her controlling and jealous.

Sometimes when boundaries are crossed it happens unexpectedly and is more like someone line stepping to test the waters of how far they can go. In these situations, YOU MUST TRUST YOUR GUT. Logic will tell you that you don’t have all the information and that you shouldn’t react without being 100% sure of the situation. If your intuition is screaming out to you, most importantly LISTEN, then work to flush out the truth.

I’ve never regretted listening to my intuition. I have, however, deeply regretted not listening. Side with your intuition, ALWAYS.

Common ways boundaries are crossed and how to combat them.

1)Rudeness and Negging

Negging is a red pill phrase coined by pick up artists to give women backhanded insults and slights disguised as banter or flirting. Enough of these and your self esteem will start to tank.

I once dated a guy that insisted to find out my “celebrity fantasy.” He swore that everyone had a celebrity fantasy of someone they wanted to date and pushed me to tell him, but I honestly didn’t have a real answer for him. He then proceeded to tell me his fantasy was Jessica Alba. I don’t look anything like Jessica Alba and it kinda left a sour taste in my mouth like Is that what I need to look like for this guy to be attracted to me? Of course it didn’t work out but I was left feeling pretty low about myself after dating that guy.

This kind of behavior is just rude. You’ll really need to learn how to set boundaries with rude men. This and other types of rude behavior should not be tolerated. Things like lateness, excessive cheapness, inconsiderate behavior, pushiness, rude unnecessary pet names, and the like should not be tolerated.

How to combat?

Here is just one of the examples of healthy boundaries in relationships. You keep it simple and say something along the lines of, “Excuse me, but that was rude. I don’t like that.”

He’ll reply. “Why?” (A lot of times they know why, they just play dumb).

Be firm. “I shouldn’t have to explain myself but here’s why [insert why his behavior is rude]

If he tries to justify his behavior and minimize your feelings, it’s time to move on and stop dating him. Because some men don’t care if they’re rude or are hurting their partners feelings. And chances are that that’s not going to change. The dating phase is the BEST behavior he has to offer, so if rudeness is happening on the regular it’s time to stop seeing him.

If he tries to see your point of view and apologizes, it’s worth continuing to date him but keep an eye out for other rude behavior and incompatibilities.

2)Unintentional boundary crossing

Sometimes the guy has no clue that he’s stepping over your boundaries and he genuinely has good intentions in mind.

Ex: Jen has been dating Dan for a few months and things have been going well. It’s her birthday and he wants to be generous and take her to a nice surprise dinner. She gets all dressed up and is horrified to find out he planned a dinner at the World Trade Observatory 100+ floors above New York City. She never told Dan that she is terrified of heights. She knows she could not enjoy this dinner, but they’re already there.

How to combat? Nobody’s really in the wrong.

She should tell him that she really appreciates the gesture but would be happy to eat anywhere else. She should outright explain her fear of heights and why she wouldn’t enjoy this dinner.

At the end of the day a boundary is a boundary and if she continued her dinner, terrified, afraid and acting all weird, it could be misunderstood as ingratitude. Or she might get away with it and he’ll keep taking her to places that have high altitudes.

A high quality man will want his partner to have a good time and go somewhere else, even if it didn’t work out the way he planned.

A low quality man will push through her boundaries and try to minimize her fears b because he wants to eat there and enjoy the fantastic dinner that he had in mind FOR HIMSELF.

If you want to learn how to set boundaries with men when the boundary crossing is unintentional, the key here to to communicate these boundaries and be understanding of the situation. But also be firm in what you need.

Inappropriate behavior within a monogamous relationship

Whether you’ve just started going steady and have been married for years, it’s important to maintain your personal boundaries and self respect.

In long term relationships there’s always room for deceit and dishonesty. The hardest part of being in a relationship and dealing with issues is that it’s difficult to tell when to work on things or just cut your losses and leave. Nobody wants to put in months or years of emotional work and have to cut off what you’ve built, but at times that can be necessary.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO IS TO REALLY KNOW AND UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER BEFORE CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED. Once children are involved, it’s much harder for your partner to feel motivated to change their behavior since children serve as a sort of anchor that keeps relationships together. Too many people stay together for the kids.

Here is a list of behavior that I would consider unacceptable. If you find yourself combatting these issues it’s best to nip them in the bud by standing your ground and raising hell over it to correct the behavior or LEAVING. Once you let this behavior slip with a pat on the wrist, it becomes more acceptable and harder to change.

-Cheating of any kind. Emotional or physical
-Sexting
-Compulsive gambling
-Alcoholism
-Drug use
-Complete laziness with housework
-Lack of job or financial contribution whatsoever
-Physical abuse- hitting, forced sex, slapping, unwanted touching, etc.
-Emotional abuse: name calling, ignoring, bullying etc.
-Porn addiction: once porn takes the place of actual sex, it’s an addiction.

This is an inexhaustive list but, for most women, these are the biggest deal breakers. To establish strong boundaries for these examples the consequences should be severe.

Ex:
Not Severe: “If you keep going like this, I’ll leave”

Severe: “I DO NOT LIKE SAID BEHAVIOR. If I ever see you do this again, I will pack my bags, move out and change my number.” This is one of the better examples of healthy boundaries in relationships.

The first response is an ultimatum and a vague one at that. The second response is firm and specific of what will happen. It’s essential to always do what you say you’ll do, that way actions with consequences hold a lot more weight.

At the end of the day, WE are responsible for what we allow into our lives.

4)How To Set Sexual Boundaries With Men

We live in a world where sex is free. No strings attached relationships and FWB make it so easy for men to have sex with with little or nothing to offer!

In my opinion sex is probably the most intimate physical act you can do with someone. (It shouldn’t be like shaking hands!). And it requires trust and vulnerability.

I’ve heard sooooo many stories from women who thought they would be having an enjoyable sexual encounter but end up being touched in places they didn’t want to be touched, pressured into acts they didn’t want to do, pressured to go without protection or realizing during sex that the condom was removed, degraded or insulted during sex, or outright assaulted while they sleep!

I’m not saying all men are like this (most are not) but if you don’t know the person, how can you be sure that this won’t be you?

Now before I proceed on how to combat this type of behavior and avoid it at any cost, I am in no way blaming women for having endured this. All men should have the common sense and human decency not to engage in this kind of behavior and are 100% at fault if they do. However, women need to be aware that the fun encounter they signed up for can EASILY turn left and they need the tools in how to handle them safely.

I advocate against drinking on dates. If you drink it should be no more than 1 drink an hour. Maintaining personal boundaries becomes much harder when intoxicated and 9 times out of 10, these one night stands are happening after a drunken rampage. If you can’t be expected to drive a car while drunk, something you do with ease on a daily basis, how can you be expected to make other responsible decisions…decisions you won’t regret.

If you do have sex and any of the following happens to you:
-being touched in places you don’t want to be touched
-pressured into acts you don’t want to do,
-pressured to go without protection or
-realizing during sex that the condom was removed,
-degraded or insulted during sex, or
-outright assaulted while you sleep

END THE ENCOUNTER AND LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

I don’t care if he’s about to bust and seems like he’s enjoying it. I don’t care if he pouts and sulks over it. Tell him outright, you cannot continue sex because he disrespected you. Tell him to get off and put his pants on. Be angry about it so he knows it’s not sex play.

And trust me it will be the most awkward, awful sex he has ever had. But he will never forget that he crossed a boundary and that it gave him the bluest balls ever! And if you choose to see him again (I wouldn’t) the chances that he would try that maneuver again on you will be greatly diminished.

Let me tell you a quick story.

My friend was dating this guy we knew from school. She was sleeping with him and he didn’t put a condom on and busted inside her! She was stressed and worrying about getting pregnant. She was late that month but thankfully got her period. But before she knew he made her take a pregnancy test in front of her. When it turned out she wasn’t pregnant, they both sighed with relief.

Later on she sleeps with him again and he doesn’t put on a condom AGAIN! And he busts in her again! And this time she softly tells him, “Why, why would you do this again when we just got through this stressful situation?” This time she takes a Plan B.

He asked her what she would have done if she was pregnant. She told him she would terminate. He was shocked and said, “I’m spanish, we don’t do that. I should have a say too!”

Moral of the story: my friend really needs to kick this guy to the curb. He obviously didn’t learn his lesson the first time because he keeps on trying to bust in her despite how much the pregnancy scares stress her out and how much she requests he wrap it up! AND he feels so entitled to her body that he should have a say on whether she has an abortion or not!

At the end of the day, us ladies need to protect ourselves and ONLY engage in sex when our partners have proven WORTHY. That means commitment. Otherwise we’re just putting our lives, we’ll-being, health and mental health on the line for a guy who obviously isn’t worth it.

—————————————-

As girls, we were taught to share and be gentle. To be kind and take care of the feelings of others. But as women, we need to learn to value our own boundaries and put ourselves first. It’s hard. Especially when we’ve been conditioned in the exact opposite way.

My heart goes out to all the women who have been disrespected, assaulted, and manipulated. I’m hoping this post reaches the next generation of girls and women who can learn how to set boundaries with men quickly from our experiences and grow from them. This post is meant to inspire and offer examples of healthy boundaries in relationships.

If there’s anything you take away from this post it should be to never be afraid to say, “NO.” That “NO” holds weight, always.

If you like “How To Set Boundaries With Men & Examples Of Healthy Boundaries In Relationships” check out:

How To Build Your Self Esteem & Self Confidence

How To Care Less & Not Care About What People Think

How To Stay Motivated And Keep Your Goals

examples of healthy boundaries in relationships

Why Men Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes

Why He Won't Commit & Relationship Mistakes
Why He Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes

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I always imagined that I would marry a man who was tall, dark and handsome, who was obsessed with me and adored me. It was a very immature kind of fantasy because relationships are complex and to expect your partner to always be available and tend to you hand and foot is actually kind of selfish. But that was what I believed for the longest. Little did I know that women everywhere were asking why men won’t commit and trying to solve their relationship mistakes.

What I did get was a husband who pulled his weight, loved our kids and one who shared his hobbies and interests with me. What more can I ask for, really? So far it seems, I already crossed the threshold of what a positive relationship is supposed to look like.

But every time I met up with my friends, I began to realize that my experience with my husband was not the norm. You see, a LOT of my friends were falling into the trap of not getting the commitment they wanted out of a relationship. And some of them weren’t getting the respect that they wanted either. And to be honest, I’ve been hearing this story over and over. It has me wondering WHY, why are all these men not committing? Has our generation really fallen off in terms of a traditional family? What relationship mistakes are we making? Does it have to do with age? What IS it?

I heard it over and over again, the same trope of my friends dating this guy for years and years, falling in love and then falling on their asses once the guy turns stale or when my friend breaks up with them because their partner can’t take the next step.

I was just at a bridal shower last weekend and I was the ONLY one already married. I’m 30. In fact, most the women there were single and most of them left wondering why men won’t commit.

Across from me at my table was Rachel, she was tall, slender with a great figure and pretty blue eyes with flawless skin. She couldn’t have been older than 26, so when she told me she was 31, my jaw dropped. She was also a self sufficient independent woman who started her career as a dentist.

Somehow we got into the conversation of her last relationship mistakes. She had been dating her ex boyfriend since she was 25. She told me that she was hesitant to continue the relationship without a proposal; he was moving to Michigan to continue his dentistry residency.

Despite her reservations, she paid all the licensing fees so she can move to Michigan and start her career there. And then she booked a one way ticket to be with her boyfriend.

Literally the week that she had to move, he TEXTED her and told her “I don’t see myself as being happy with you.”

Like, DAMN. He really just did that to her. My other friend Mariana shook her head and said “If that was me, I’d make him pay for all my expenses.”

This girl was seeing a therapist, that’s how devastated she was.

My older sister had a similar story to this, only her story involved her partner getting mixed up with cocaine and hookers.

What were these women doing wrong, what relationship mistakes were they making? Honestly…all they wanted was for someone to be by their side at the end of it all.

As I listened to their stories I just nodded in agreement. I’ve been there and done that with my Husband. He wasn’t easy to wrangle in either. But I did notice a sort of trend with the behavior of these women and I began to realize, even though what had happened to them was TERRIBLE, to some degree, they also played a role in how things transpired.

Here are my thoughts on why men don’t commit and some huge relationship mistakes women make:

1)He doesn’t owe you shit

I repeat HE DOESN’T OWE YOU SHIT. A lot of women kind of have it in their heads, if they bend over backwards for their man, if they show them that they are *special* and willing to do anything for their man, that the guy will see that. Then he’ll reward them for their hard work with his commitment, love and respect.

In an ideal world, yes, but this is the real world and in the real world when people get things for free or at a discount, they usually think nothing of it.

In fact, it’s his right to be able to leave a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without any repercussions. After all, this isn’t a MARRIAGE, you know, a binding social contract that could have huge ramifications if you break it.

So why Rachel thought that after 6 years she had any way of getting back her losses from her boyfriend was beyond me. Or why any of my friends at the bridal shower thought that.

A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is pretty much worth nothing. It’s all good and dandy in high school when in life isn’t serious but once you reach a certain age, ie. 23 and older, you need to set your mind on something that is more long term and stable. The main purpose is to vet someone to see if they are marriage worthy. This boyfriend/girlfriend vetting period now goes on for years, sometimes without any thought or discussion about what the next step might be.

So without marriage, the guy doesn’t owe you shit and you don’t owe him shit. So don’t expect marriage privileges in what is really a paper thin social arrangement.

2)Why would he change what he’s doing when he’s getting what he wants

Once Rachel said, “I didn’t want to move without an engagement..” and then proceeded to tell us how she made plans to move to Michigan without an engagement, that was enough to tell the whole story of what went wrong what relationship mistakes she made.

She was bending over backwards for him.

Now, a lot of women do this. They think “if I give, then I’ll get. I mean, it’s only fair..”

Wrong. If you give, you’ll keep on giving. Men are a bit different from women in this way. They have been raised from infancy to test their boundaries and to win. They’ve learned this mainly from sports and being around other boys.

There is absolutely no incentive for Rachel’s boyfriend to propose after getting her to move over there. And the fact that he broke up with her after she made plans for him like that, shows he didn’t think she would actually do it and he didn’t want her to make the move for him.

If Rachel was willing to make such a drastic change in her life without getting what she wanted, just imagine all the other ways she was compromising in her relationship without getting anything back.

In this situation, Rachel was settling and her boyfriend knew she was settling and no longer a challenge for him. In fact, he had no reason to change his behavior when he was getting exactly what he wanted. So of course men won’t commit!

3)You’re telling him what you’re worth

Your behavior tells him what you’re worth.

When a guy is ignoring you or yelling at you or cheating on you, and you do absolutely NOTHING about it other than maybe yell and scream at him, it tells him that you accept the behavior.

Look back to the beginning of your relationship when things were rosy and nice, and he was oh so respectful. You just yearn for that part of the relationship, don’t you?

Of course he was treating you nice and great during the honeymoon phase of the relationship; he didn’t know you that well yet. In his mind, you would leave him in disgust if you found out about his dark gambling addiction or if you found out he still had nudes of his ex on his phone. So he made sure to be on his best behavior and acted as the perfect boyfriend. This kept him on his toes.

But, as time went on, some of his bad behavior began to come out into the open and now he knows you know about them. But despite your reservations, he knows that you’re not going to do a goddamn thing. He’ll get the same nagging and annoying conversation he’s used to getting from his Mom about cleaning his room but now it’s his girlfriend with some other silly problem he can’t be bothered with. He’ll agree with you and with wave his hand to shoo you away while he promises to change.

And guess what?

He doesn’t change. Because you’ve already established that you will accept this but with additional negative nagging. And as a result, in his eyes, your worth has been lowered. You’re no longer someone he needs to impress or protect since you’ve already settled for his shit with little to no resistance.

4)You didn’t establish yourself as a valuable woman

A lot of women make the mistake of confusing their value with having good looks.

“If only I was prettier…he wouldn’t treat me this way.”

Honey, pretty girls, models etc. have their own set of boy troubles. They have very similar problems to you. And if a prettier girl was letting a guy treat her they way that you let your boyfriend treat you, trust me, she would have the same problems as you.

In reality, it’s your lack of boundaries that is permitting your issues in your relationship and causing men not to commit.

In addition to the nagging, yelling and crying, you’ve also let a whole bunch of things you normally enjoyed doing fly out the window because they inconvenienced your partner. These are huge relationship mistakes.

Women have a tendency to merge with their partner and start getting rid of things they enjoy or taking on their partner’s slack.

You might see your boyfriends apartment, messy and unorganized and feel the need to take care of his living space for him because he will value your “domestic skills” and his space drives you crazy. What you’re really doing is teaching him that you will be his personal maid rather than someone he needs to impress and clean up after himself for. And honestly, if your partner isn’t your husband, a person who’s made a huge commitment towards you, you shouldn’t be cleaning up after him. EVER. As my father always said, “Why buy the cow when the milk’s for free?” Why give wifey treatment when you’re not his wife?

He might critique a dress you’ve always loved wearing, saying it’s “too short.” So you stop wearing the dress because it gets too much male attention while you’re out with your partner and he gets insecure.

B*tch! What are you doing! You are definitely not establishing value by dressing down and changing your tastes because your boyfriend says so. In fact, you’re allowing your boyfriend to establish your value FOR YOU. This is probably one of the bigger relationship mistakes to make.

Overall, comparing yourself to other women, doing things for your partner he should be able to do for himself and letting him determine what you’re doing and wearing lowers your value in his eyes and that’s why men won’t commit. When you’re “under his thumb” there’s little incentive to put the extra effort with romantic gestures.

5)You didn’t walk away sooner

Breaking up is hard. No one ever wants to break up. The truth is that walking away can result in either him getting his stuff together and doing what it takes to keep you or letting you go because the relationship has met its true end.

Even when a relationship is totally expired, I’ve met some women who find it hard to let go of the partner they’ve come to lose respect for or even hate.

There’s the “sunk cost fallacy” type thinking. The belief you need to carry on because you’ve already invested too much in a relationship. The fear is that all the time and money put into it will fly out the window by leaving and that there is still hope you can still turn things around despite historic failures. Women need to let go of their “hopium” and check into reality and that is, if you aren’t getting what you want out of your relationship and you’ve communicated that more than once and there’s STILL no change, it’s time to cut loose.

Once it’s clear that the relationship will not be getting better, it’s time to take a proactive approach and stop wasting time.

If Rachel had only broken up with her boyfriend when she realized he had commitment problems, she wouldn’t have had to waste a full 7 years chasing a man she had no future with. And she would have been able to seek other opportunities in the time she had lost instead of wondering why men won’t commit.

But hindsight is usually 20/20.
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In today’s day and age, most men won’t commit. And finding one of those unicorn men who are respectful and commitment minded gets harder with each passing year. The most important thing is to take your time getting to know potential suitors, to set boundaries as issues come up and cut them loose as soon as it’s clear it’s not working out.

If I had to answer why men aren’t commiting to their partners, my answer would be that guys just aren’t incentivized to do so. We live in a culture where sex is free and easy. Where it’s available at the click of a button (porn and hookup apps) and where women are forced to compete with each other in this highly sexualized society. So women end up settling for less, taking bad behavior and turning a blind eye and not setting standards at all.

Change the culture, you’ll change society. Change society and you’ll change the minds and hearts of men. But for now, we need to set our standards higher that before, only then can we find our perfect partner.

If you like Why Men Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes, check out my other posts!

Single Vs Relationship: Which Is Better?

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Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You’re Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

Single Vs Relationship: Which Is Better?

Single vs Relationship: Good Relationship Advice
Single vs Relationship: Good Relationship Advice

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The grass is always greener on the other side. At least that’s how we always feel about it. When you’re single, you wish you were partnered up; when you’re partnered up you’re itching to be single. Why is that? Is it better to be single vs in a relationship?

A lot of people find themselves in this crossroad in life and wondering which option is better. For me, I was unknowingly a serial monogamist, always in a relationship or seeking one. But I’ve met other people who love their freedom when they’re single and are happier by their lonesome.

I’ve also been the person who felt like the grass was greener on the other side. If I was in a relationship, then I was keeping an eye out for a good reason to leave and be single. If I was single, I was looking to meet the perfect boyfriend. Honestly, this was actually very unhealthy thinking and behavior so THANK GOD I grew out of it.

So here are some good relationship advice on whether a relationship is right for you vs if the single life is your path. Of course there’s no easy answers but, for those on the fence, this list might help you make sense of it all:

Pros of Being Single

Complete Freedom

Being able to do anything you want is pretty nice. Wake up late, meet up with friends on a moments notice, spend your money as you wish. It’s actually pretty awesome. The level of independence single people have is like 100%, they don’t have to compromise a single thing.

My older sister has been single for a while and is honestly enjoying her life. She takes sailing lessons, travels to at least 3 different countries a year, drives an Audi and lives according to her terms. As far as I know, singledom doesn’t make her sad and she’s able to take things as they go.

No Drama

Not getting into arguments with your significant other is also a big plus. Relationships, no matter how good they are, can still be a source of drama. Long term relationships usually go through natural highs and lows. Going through a low point can result in arguments, fights and resentment. I’ve found that working through these problems resulted in a stronger relationship but hell! Those fights were so stressful. When you’re single, you don’t have to deal with any of it. Every day has the same emotional capacity and you don’t have to go through highs and lows to grow as a person and as a couple. Which, honestly, sometimes seems easier.

Freedom to date whoever you want!

Dating at times can be fun. The excitement of meeting someone new is freeing and totally unexpected. Will you meet the love of your life with this date or will you just have some company to chat with over wine? Either way, getting to know new potential partners can be fun. At least in the beginning. After a while, I heard it gets stale but there is always the freedom to take breaks from the dating scene. When you’re in a relationship, continuing dating is a huge no-no. Your kind of stuck dating the same person. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Not being in a bad relationship

Let’s be truthful here, not all relationships are good or healthy to be in. We’ve all heard of those horror stories of a friend living with a hateful or narcissistic partner and how impossible it was to manage or deal with them. In that situation, of course it’s so much better to be single. At times it can feel like dating and relationships are a crapshoot. Some people save themselves the hassle of bad, selfish partners by opting out and staying single and that is completely fine.

Pros of being In a relationship

There are some major pros to being in a relationship and some good relationship advice too!

Companionship

It’s easy to feel lonely when you come home to an empty apartment. Not having someone to share the details of your day can get tiresome. Of course you can fill your days with friends and hobbies but when you finally get home, you can only fill up so much time. Having that special someone to come home to can be such a relaxing feeling. It’s also good for your overall health and happiness.

The financial and emotional support of a partner

We live in a world where we’re told that the individual is what matters. And that we can get farther on our own. But I don’t believe that. Being able to share expenses with someone else is a huge benefit to having a partner. Having someone to vent to and cry on when you’re having a hard day is amazing. So for single people, they can rely on themselves but two incomes are usually better than one and having someone who truly understands you is so valuable.

Especially for women, it’s just a known fact that they earn less than men (even for the same level position)(not saying it’s right, just that this is how it is). Women who are able to find men who make a reasonable income (and marry them) are at an advantage financially, especially since sharing expenses leads to less cost per person.

A good relationship means you always have someone to do things with. A forever friend, in a way. Someone who will attend weddings with you as your plus 1, someone who will be able to go on vacation with you, someone to cheer you up when you’re down, and someone who’s always available for date night (even Netflix and Chill). Having that person in your life who can consistently do these things with you is pretty awesome, and in this way single people miss out.

Planning a family

It is way easier to plan for a family if you already have a steady partner. I would say 100% of people who want children, if they had a choice, would want to raise their children with two parents instead of a single parent household. When you’re in a positive relationship, it brings you closer to that goal of having the right situation to bring children into the world. For single people, their singledom kind of delays their ability to have children. First you need to start dating, find someone compatible that also wants children, date them for a while, then make the plan financially, emotionally, and logistically to have children. For a lot of my friends, the single life has cramped their hopes of having a child in the near future. But a lot of them are just smelling the roses and enjoying being the fun aunt or uncle.
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Overall, I can’t really say whether being single vs a relationship is better than the other. I have met a few people who just do better as a single person than they ever could in a relationship, and that’s OK. For the me, I always desired to be in a relationship and find my special someone even when I was in high school with no life experience to tell me how to be in a positive partnership. So that’s what’s worked for me. Either way you cut it, you have to know what you want and what you need for yourself.

I Hope You Liked “Single Vs Relationship: Which Is Better” Check Out My Other Posts On Relationships PlUS Good Relationship Advice!

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The Biggest Red Flags In A Relationship

What is Love?

7 Signs That He’s A Fuckboy

Are Your Friends Fake?

These days I’m a bit of a loner. Not to say I have no friends anymore but I definitely have a better quality friends. It took me a while to figure out that having a lot of friends didn’t mean I had great friendships or that I was a great person to be friends with. During that time when I considered myself pretty popular, most of my friends ended up being fake.

It was a painful realization to know that a majority of my friends were just friends with me because of circumstances, not because they genuinely liked me as a person and valued me in their lives.

The first thing I needed to learn was the difference between friends of circumstance and friends of value.

Friends of circumstance gravitate to you because they enjoy your company AND because you have some shared activity together.

High school friends are a good example. These are people that you saw for maybe four years day in and day out, going to the same school, the same classes and the same activities. It’s easy to build close relationships when you see someone all the time. But they’re still friendships of circumstance. Everyone experiences this. It becomes painfully obvious after high school ends. When everyone goes to different colleges and you see the friendships begins to fade. You don’t get texts as much from them or calls. You start to notice that you’re not getting invited for birthdays or meet up’s. Maybe that friend joined a different group of people, many of which you’re not familiar with. The reality is that most high school friendships end because the circumstances that brought the friendship together is over and then maintaining those friendships start to require work.

This is the main cause for why people perceive certain friendships as fake, especially if you could’ve sworn that the person liked you for you. But they were just circumstantial.

And this is why you’ll see a lot of people stick around their hometown because they have the comfort of their circumstantial friendships. Subconsciously, they know that if they leave the circumstance that created the friendship there’s a chance the friendship will not continue. From what I’ve seen, circumstantial friendships tend to breed complacency, lack of growth and staleness.

Friendships of value are very, very rare. I would say that maybe 1-5% of everyone’s friendships are friendships of value. If you meet a friend like this, it’s good to keep nurturing that relationship because it’s a healthy, honest, no strings attached friendship.

A telltale way of knowing if you have a friendship of value is that no matter how far you go, how many years pass by or how many changes occur in your life, that person is always able to be there for you. Maybe not physically, maybe they live far away, but they make the effort to contact you and share their lives with you. Why would someone do that when they’re no longer in a situation that makes it easy for them to be friends with you? Because they value who you are as a person.

Another way to tell if someone is less than a good friend is if they treat you differently then they treat others.

Some people view their lives as a movie and see their friends as just supporting characters, supporting them. Someone to make them look good, someone to fill the silence in their lives. People who have poor character will NOT make good friends. These people are capable of being kind, friendly and fun but their lack of character will keep them from being good friends in the long term.

For example, you see your friend Emily talk down about another friend that’s going through a rough time-maybe that person is a little strange or shy. You see her talk badly about that other friend behind her back but in person she’s friendly with them. What does that tell you?

That Emily would easily just talk as badly about you as she would about that other person.

Sure, you might shrug it off as just gossip or small talk, but that kind of behavior is very toxic and is sure to rear its head as soon as Emily finds someone better so they can talk about YOU behind YOUR back.

I had a friend like this once. She was very two-faced and I kind of gave her the benefit of the doubt because she never treated me badly. But once she found a friend that she considered “better,” I was the new person gossiped about.

So it’s really important to look at a person’s character even if they don’t treat you badly, if they treat other people badly, to just avoid them and not even bother building a friendship that way. Because it’s only a matter of time before that friendship collapses and you find out that you wasted so much time with a toxic person.

I wish I had better advice to give other than avoiding someone who’s fake. I wish had advice for how to change a friend and make them better. But whether a person is a good friend or not, that’s a choice they need to make for themselves, it’s not something you can help them with.

The important thing for you is to determine if they’re fake or not. And if, after reading this, you find your friends to be circumstantial, self-centered or two-faced, it might be time to manage expectations on how loyal you expect those friends to be.

Why Integrity Matters

My Best Friend Ghosted Me

How To Make A Change in Your Life

7 Signs That He’s A F*ckboy

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Fuckboy. My personal definition is that a f*ckboy is a guy who’s just fucking around with your feelings and is only interested in sex.

This is the millenial’s term for player, playboy, Casablanca, womanizer, etc. These types of men have been fooling women since the dawn of time with promises of sweet nothings and a trail of broken hearts in their wake.

I have no idea how these guys get so many women to fall for them and I have no idea why so many women find them attractive, but fuckboys seem to always be able to move on to the next one before we even had time to shed a tear.

I dated a f*ckboy once, it was both the most terrible and most fun relationship I had ever had. Of course it ended in drama and flames but it was what it was in the end. Fuckboys never stay. I dated one because I was naive and foolishly thought I could change him. I mean, if he could change, he wouldn’t have been a fuckboy.

Here Are The Tell Tale Signs Of A F*ckboy

 

  • Has A Lot Of Women Who Are His Friends

They’re like a circle of hens but this is a huge red flag. Usually when you ask about them, he’ll tell you don’t worry, they’re just friends. Maybe they are, but with fuckboys, their next partner is usually just waiting in the wings for their chance. I don’t know what it is about them, but they always have a circle of female friends. The thing is that these ladies won’t be friends with each other, he and his friends will be the only link.

If you see him flirting, no, you’re not imagining it and you’re not being insecure and crazy.

  • Had A Lot Of Dating Experience

The guy I dated lost his virginity at 13. Like, what the hell! A lot of fuckboys start their dating experience early so that by the time most girls hit the dating market between 18-25, they already have a leg up on you in terms of experience. Ever notice that they already know what to say and do to get your trust and interest?

On top of that, they start early, but they never stay with one girl that long. The guy I was with claimed his longest relationship was 2 years but in the grand scheme of life, that’s not that long. That’s just long enough for the honeymoon phase to wear out. And he had lost count of his partners. That really should have been red flag number 2. If you’re 22 and lost count of your partner’s, there’s something REALLY wrong.

  • Love Bombs You

He’s obsessed with you in the beginning. Everything is amazing and you can’t believe you met a man who could treat you this good. Usually this is coupled with flattery and compliments. He’ll take you on exciting dates and get you gifts. He might say things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you before” or even use the “L” word to get you to fall in love with him.

This part of dating a fuckboy is the most addictive. Like a heroin addict chasing the first high, you’ll keep looking for the treatment he gave you in the beginning.

  • Hot And Cold

Which brings me to my next point, you’ll find the periods of cold shoulder unbearable.

Why doesn’t he text me like he used to?

Why is he suddenly being secretive with his phone?

I feel like he’s distant…

What can I do to fix this?

These are the thoughts that will race through your mind as your fuckboy starts to make his way out to “greener pastures.”

If you’re lucky, his behavior might get hot again to dates that involve 3am booty calls or dates that are exclusively spent on your dime.

  • All His Guy Friends Are Single And Fuckboys Or Fuckboy Wannabes

Like attracts like and a mega f*ckboy is very likely followed by other fuckboys or fuckboy wannabes.

These other guys are going to be approving of your fuckboy’s bad behavior, thus keeping him from being the good partner you wish he was.

The wannabes aren’t nearly as bad and might even make for a good shoulder to cry on when your f*ckboy screws you over. But these guys live by the “bros before hoes” mindset so I wouldn’t count on it. They’re more likely to cover for him while he’s out picking up other girls and you’re at home waiting for his text.

  • Loves To Club And Party

Your f*ckboy and his playboy posse are definitely club lovers. That’s honestly probably where you met him in the first place. They’re a lot of fun to party with but the party doesn’t stop just because he started dating you. Chances are you’ll need to keep up with his party party lifestyle every day of the week or be concerned about the other ladies he could be meeting without your watchful eye.

When you tell him you don’t like when he goes to clubs without you, he’ll turn it on you and call you controlling.

If you’re a gal looking for the player experience, look no further than your local club. The nightclubs are teeming with them.

  • Is Into Status Symbols

I never met a player that didn’t wear heavy cologne, drive a car he couldn’t afford and drop all his money into brand name shoes, belts, clothes and sunglasses.

I guess that’s one of the things that attracts women to them. Women love a man who can dress and presents himself as someone successful. The fuckboy is not without a high view of himself and is very capable of giving off a false impression of success by surrounding himself with status symbols.

Most likely he views his sexual conquests as status symbols also. The f*ckboy, lacking any self confidence or self-awareness, seeks outward symbols of value that he attaches to his own self worth. He’s constantly looking to hook up with the hottest girls because it makes him feel like he’s hot. And if you can’t fill his this role of being his human status symbol, don’t expect him to stick around.

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These fuckboys are just playing games and aren’t worth the hassle of a broken heart. These tips are from every player I met and dated.

Changing a player into a man is impossible, many women have tried but his final destination is bachelorhood with a dog to keep him company.

So my advice to all the women out there reading this is to drop those f’boys. If you’re reading this and thinking, “y’know what, this sounds like __________. This sounds exactly like him,” then drop him!

Trust me, save yourself the heartache and find yourself a quality man for long term commitment.

 

Check Out My Other Relationship Posts!

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

What It’s Like to Marry Your Soulmate

Why Dating Apps Suck

My Favorite Dating Book: Why Men Love Bitches

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You