On Becoming Mother

I was never one to want to be a mother.

I remember being a child and having no interest whatsoever in baby dolls. As a teen, my friends talked about that one day they would have children but I stood silently in the corner not really thinking about it. It wasn’t a priority for me.

I had other things I wanted to do first like go to parties, travel, be a successful business woman and maybe date the man of my dreams. I didn’t have time for children and the thought of giving birth to a child honestly terrified me.

So when I became pregnant with my first child at 23 years old, it was the scariest thing I ever did. And honestly it took me a while even after she was born to come to terms with the fact that I was now a mom.

Little did I know that being a mother would be the most meaningful and extraordinary thing I would do in my life. I didn’t really understand that right away. Forget traveling and forget being a CEO at some major company, by becoming a mom I was able to make huge a difference in someone else’s life. Jobs come and go, friends too but family is forever.

A lot of things had to change first. I couldn’t just go out with my friends anymore. And I couldn’t just take any kind of work to support my family. I couldn’t spend money on frivolous things either. I had to be smart; I had to think of what I needed long-term instead of what I needed for today.

Sidenote: fathers are pretty amazing too. But what they bring to their children is totally different. My husband is more of a rock. In addition to knowing that he loves them, he gives our kids a sense of confidence, stability and direction.

I’m more of the nurturing mother who stands by her children and comforts them when they cry.

Children are like little miracles. I look at my two month old child and she already knows me and can pick me out of a crowded room. That’s insane.

Looking at her big oversized eyes staring back at me as I breastfeed her gives me a sense of wonderment. Like, who will this little one become? What are her dreams?

My oldest daughter is six. She’s a little more complex since she’s starting to become self-aware about her emotions. So every little emotion she feels, whether it’s happy, sad, or embarrassed, she lets us know. It’s been strange to see her become much more independent, I feel like I just had her! But I know I’ll always be her mother and that I’ll always be there for her when she needs me. There’s a long road of life ahead of her so chances are that there will be plenty of situations where she will need me more than ever.

But six years ago, I had no idea the impact she would have on my life. I’m a better person. I’m stronger, more capable and aware. I can empathize and I know exactly how my child is feeling. Sometimes I can’t make all the boo boos go away, but I try.

My little one is just as amazing! I love the stage where they need you all the time for everything. It makes you feel so loved and cherished. She really is like a little doll. I forgot how beautiful they are when they’re newly born and rely on you for everything. My mother-in-law tells me that I hold her too much and that she’s spoiled but she’s two months old! And I don’t mind a spoiled two month old. Her smiles are pretty amazing too!

If I could have countless children, I would. That’s how much I love children and love my role as a mother.

If you had told 18-year-old me that I would love this role and that motherhood would come to defined me, she would’ve scoffed at you. She would’ve called me a sellout for picking the path that everyone chooses. What about all my dreams to travel, my desire to date, become a rich successful career woman?

Priorities change. And looking back, those goals were great but superficial. What I have now is a never-ending love, for my children and from them.

Being a mom isn’t the easiest path, in fact it has to be the hardest thing in the world to do and do well.

I never asked to be a mother but it was blessing brought into my life with my children. So to all the mothers who are struggling today to keep it all together, be proud, because you are doing something incredible.

Check out my other posts

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My Postpartum Experience: What I Didn’t Expect

My Postpartum Experience: What I Didn’t Expect

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So I just did a thing….I had a baby! You’d think I would remember what it was like to be postpartum considering I went through this 6 years ago with my first daughter but I completely forgot. I really thought I was going to have free time and do stuff! ???. I had a whole list of things I was going to do that went out the window once my daughter was born.

It’s nice to be home from work as a new mom again. I thought that pregnancy was hard with all the weight gain and fatigue but OMG Postpartum is way harder. My postpartum body was to be expected so that didn’t surprise me. I definitely underestimated the first 3 months of my daughter’s life and how hard it would be.

So what is postpartum? Postpartum is the period after your labor/pregnancy when your body is getting used to not being pregnant. It can last 3 months to a year. Below is a list of all the things I was totally unprepared for. I love my daughter to death but it was so challenging.

1. Getting the shakes right after delivery and the fatigue that followed.

This didn’t happen after my first labor with my now 6 year old. I guess it was because I was so doped up on the epidural medicine. But right after I popped out the baby my body started to full on tremble. Like I was freezing, but I wasn’t cold. It freaked me out! Like why am I shaking? Is this normal?

I looked it up later and a lot of women experience the shakes after giving birth. Your body has just done something so intense and amazing that your physical reaction is to shake to cope with the trauma. I could feel my teeth chatter as the nurse put a blanket over me to deal with the shaking. I would say the shaking lasted an hour.

Finally the baby was out and I tried to get back into the groove of things and for a few days my will to get things done trumped my fatigue but by day 4–10 postpartum, I felt like I was hit with a truck. I couldn’t even lift my legs. I wanted to sleep so badly but my milk was still coming in and that made for an angry hungry baby all hours of he day. My belief that I could finally get things done around the house basically flew out the window.

2. How bad my nipples hurt from breastfeeding in the first two weeks.

This always happens when you breastfeed. The sore, cracked and sometimes bleeding nipples are to be expected. Why, I don’t know. Maybe because your nipples are still getting used to the suction. Or because the baby is sucking so hard it causes trauma. I don’t know.

My baby could barely gain weight during those first two weeks. I couldn’t bring myself to feed her every two hours while my nipples we feeling like they could fall off. I’m talking toe curling pain. I used some lansinoh cream to help with the tenderness, but the pain was still surreal.

Thankfully, the pain got easier by the third week and by 1 month I was breastfeeding in my sleep.

3. How much time I had to spend breastfeeding in the the first month.

I’m literally breastfeeding every 2–3 hours during the day and 3–4 hours at night. The sessions could be as short as 20 mins or seemingly endless. I really struggled to understand that I needed to feed her on demand the moment she started showing signs of hunger like sucking on her hand or fussing. All out crying and she’s already famished!

One week I calculated I spent 8 hours a day feeding the baby. It’s so exhausting.

I tried everything to stimulate my production including pumping and consuming Mother’s Milk tea.

I’m now 7 weeks into my postpartum period and its gotten easier. The breastfeeding sessions can get a little long but at least they don’t hurt. I wouldn’t say they are 100% comfortable but they definitely don’t hurt anymore. Yay!

4. How annoying it is to get other people’s opinions on babies.

Everyone has an opinion especially the grandparents. My favorite one is “Don’t hold her so much, she’ll get too used to it”

I’m sorry…what?!? I mean my daughter is a newborn baby that had spent 9 months in the womb and now has shoved into this cold cruel world. Let’s not make it colder and crueler by not holding her when she cries!

With my first daughter, I was encouraged to give a her rice with her milk. Rice?? Rice can’t be digested until like 5 months.

Because I really love these people, I’ve kept a tight lip and let the parenting comments go over my head but OMG are they are annoying.

5. How annoying it was to entertain people wanting to see the baby.

Around the second week, close family and friends wanted to come around to see the baby. Not wanting to be disagreeable I said yes, but I was so exhausted. What I so really needed was for people to help take care of the house that was falling apart, help me get rid of those dirty dishes, hold the baby while I vacuumed, etc.

I am barely holding it together and I’m expected to entertain? It seemed unreasonable. My freaking neighbors also keep trying to get me to go outside and hang with them. “You need fresh air, get out while you still can!” I know, I know, I know, but I’m so tired.

Feel free to to say no to people during your postpartum period. On the outside I wanted to be able to be very social, but I could barely keep up conversation.

6. That taking care of myself and also the baby felt impossible.

Cluster feedings, constant diaper changing, bath meltdowns, and comforting seemed to be my main reason for existence. I often felt torn between trying eat, shower or sleep while she slept. I was neglecting my postpartum care.

And my husband can only do so much because he’s still working and needs to sleep at night. And honestly he sucks at changing diapers, they always leak when he does it. ???

Finding a balance feels impossible. I thought I would have time to maintain myself, go to some Drs appts, maybe get my hair cut. That could only be done when we had a third pair of hands and my mom was staying with us.

7. The random postpartum depression and anxiety

This really caught me off guard. It snuck up on me. The changes in hormones felt crazy. I was not myself. It’s like I had been jacked up on estrogen for 9 months and suddenly had none and it was causing these intense mood swings, anxious thoughts and anxiety. I wanted to be chill and couldn’t be chill.

I made the stupid decision to look at my work phone and send some combative emails during this period. When I got called out on it, I got all weepy because I created more anxiety and stress for work I’m not supposed to even be at. I seriously wondered if I had postpartum depression and anxiety but my doctor said it was only the baby blues.

Right now I’m just focusing on getting rid of the random feeling of impending doom that hangs over me. Hoping it gets better.

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Overall, it’s been awesome taking care of my little one. Her little smiles and coos light up my day. I feel wonderful that I get to be a mom to an newborn again. And even though a lot of this stuff caught me off guard, I know it’s temporary and that I need to take the good with the bad.

Tags: Postpartum depression, postpartum syndrome, postpartum after pregnancy, feeling down after birth, state of being a mother.