I Married A Gambler

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My mother was always wary of gambling. As far as I knew, my father never gambled much. He liked blackjack but he could always enter a casino with a set amount of money that he would allow himself to lose and be able to walk out before he went over his limit. That number he had in his mind was never more than $200 and he didn’t gamble often. Besides, my mother hated when he gambled, it reminded her of her childhood and of her deadbeat father who gambled everything on mahjong. I wasn’t around gambling much as a child.

So when my husband lost $500 on a poker game, I didn’t think much of it. It was his hobby, something that helped him relax. Little did I know that I was inadvertently enabling him.

My Husband, we’ll call him K, is a good poker player. He gained interest in it from his Uncle who had run some illegal poker rings in the city and did some time for it. He started playing with his friends and when his friends stopped playing with him because he was taking all their money, he moved on to the casinos.

And he had a lot of beginners luck. He made $10K and paid off his student loans with that. He was a good player and he swore that it was a game of skill so, to me, I never saw it as a gambling problem.

But that how gambling problems start…

K would ask if he could take a trip to the city underground clubs or the casino when I went away and visited my parents for the weekend. I didn’t mind because he was asking me and he was still winning occasionally; it was a shared financial decision. If he lost, he lost. If he won, then even better. The truth is, I was also gambling. I was gambling on him to win.

And we did this for years, even though my job would fluctuate in income because I worked on commission and we still had debt to pay off and a small child to take care of. I knew we were being financially irresponsible so I started to make a tight budget to get things under control and I started looking in depth at our bank statements.

“K why did you take out $300 from our checking on this date and why did you take out another $300 two weeks before? What are you doing with this money?” My voice was soft and nervous about the answer. I mean we needed that money, it was winter and the slow season for commissions.

“Oh I owed my dad some money and I used the other $300 for a little spending here and there.”

“I didn’t know you owed your dad money… Please just let me know beforehand because I wasn’t expecting this expense.” $300 for money here and there seemed like a lot but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

A few months passed from that incident and I didn’t think much of it until I saw another large debit from our checking only a month later. This time $400!

“K, what are you spending this money on! You spent nearly 1/2 of this commission that I made. I wanted to buy X, Y and Z and now I can’t because we can’t afford it.”

He lowered his head in shame and spilled it. He had been gambling behind my back for the past couple of

months. Instead of seeing a movie, he was going to the club in the city. Instead of taking a trip with me to see my parents, he stayed behind to “clean the apartment,” but was really taking a trip to the local casino to play poker.”

“But if you could only see the hand I lost on! Statistically I should have won any other time. He just caught a lucky card on the river!”

I could feel my blood start to simmer with rage. He had spent over $1000 behind my back over these three months. Here we were, we agreed to get our debt down and cut down spending and he was just dropping money down the drain at the casino. I was the only one sacrificing by cutting down my trips to Starbucks and holding off on buying new work clothes. And worst of all he was lying to me about it.

I never felt more resentful.

And that was our cycle for the next couple of years. Months would pass by with us saving and then a charge would pop up mysteriously for $200, $300 or $500. It was always just what we could afford to lose but it kept us from saving. On days I found out of his secret gambling, we’d fight viciously. Then he’d promise never to do it again or try to rationalize a reason why he would win next time. Then he would stop going to play poker for a few months until he got the itch and this cycle would start again.

It was toxic.

Still, K was a smooth talker and managed to talk me into a trip to Las Vegas one year.

“It’ll be fun, we won’t even gamble that much. We can do shows, go to clubs and walk the strip.” He knew I liked clubbing.

“Ok, but we should just go with a set amount of money to gamble with and leave our debit cards at home.”

“I don’t want to be stranded without our debit cards in case of an emergency,” he said, “we’ll be responsible” he assured me.

We spent $2500 on gambling during our 4 day trip to Las Vegas.

This time I was out of control too and got sucked into blackjack and slots.

I was so angry at both of us, it ruined our trip. I never wanted either of us to gamble again. Everything good about our trip was overshadowed by our ridiculous spending.

Later that year, his gambling got worst. He discovered online poker and dumped $20-100 a week into that and hid his trips to the casino where he was losing $200-500 per visit. Every time I would go through our statements, it was in fear of what I might find. I was tired of fighting and of feeling like I was getting nowhere. I kept trying to make up his losses by working harder but it was still money being lost. The fights were terrible. I’d scream at him and call him a loser. We were starting to fight in front of our daughter to the point where she would try to break up the fight or start crying.

One day K suggests that he can do the budgeting. “It stressed you out too much and I can see where the money is going and can help out.”

At this point he had swore he would never gamble again and had gone 6 months without an incident. I really wanted to believe he was under control. So I let him do the accounting for two months.

It wasn’t long before I realized he wasn’t doing it; I got an email saying we missed a credit card payment.

I think I knew what I would find, but I really didn’t want to find it or even believe it. But there it was, back before he offered to handle the budgeting was a $1500 debit on our checking account. This would be the most he has ever lost in a single day. He was taking his gambling up another level. And his whole reason for wanting to take up the budgeting was to hide his gambling again.

“What’s this charge for $1500?” I asked my husband as he walked in from a grocery run. I already knew the answer.

His composure just slumped in on itself and he lowered his head in shame. My head was spinning. I could barely hear him as went through his usual excuses…”I didn’t mean to spend that much,” I was playing so well, but it was just one hand that went south and ruined it for me,” “You don’t even know how much this makes me feel like shit,” “I’m such a loser.”

He was good at gaining sympathy. But this time it was so clear to me. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t see it before. Maybe I didn’t want to believe it.

K was sick. He had a gambling addiction and, through my own denial, I enabled him.

$1500 dollars. That was 1 months rent, that was a commission that I was lucky to get if a client closed after 2 weeks of work, that was 4 months of groceries or a year of gas. This time I wasn’t going to let it go. I closed my eyes and saw myself at 40 years old with a deadbeat husband who had spent $100K in gambling during their marriage. I envisioned myself as a 40 year old preparing for divorce.

I wasn’t going to hide the problem and pretend it was just between us. I wasn’t going to make up the money. I wasn’t going to make him promise to pay it back. (Which he never did).

So I called his mother.

And I told her everything, that this was the end of the road. That I couldn’t be married to a gambler and he had lost $15K during the course of our marriage so far. He needed help. He needed to go to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and see a therapist.

I was angry for a long time. I made him sleep on the couch for two months. I cried randomly by myself. I wouldn’t talk to him or look at him. I couldn’t trust him.

His parents had an intervention and expressed their disappointment and concern. They didn’t want to see our family fall apart.

After that, he made a commitment to go to GA meetings. I took away his debit card and put him on a cash only system. He had to provide receipts for everything he bought. I made him change his number because the casinos and poker clubs would text him “buy in deals” to tempt him. I cancelled anything that reminded him of poker. And he agreed.

It’s been a year and he hasn’t gambled. Today he called me and told me he went to a GA meeting for support. He felt tempted because he had some spare cash from his birthday he felt he could spend. But instead he went to the meeting. I’m proud he’s able to still admit his weaknesses and work to correct them.

I feel lucky most days, so far he’s overcome this demon that haunted our lives for so many years. I can’t deny the role I played in enabling him either. I know it could have gotten worst and that there are some women who learn too late that they’re losing everything to gambling.

If you know someone afflicted with gambling addiction please don’t be afraid to confront them or intervene. The contact for the National Gambling Helpline is:

Call 1-800-522-4700

Chat ncpgambling.org/chat

Text 1-800-522-4700

Sending my thoughts to the men, women and families dealing with this mental illness and obsession.

Even though my husband has been gamble free for a year, I can’t forget that he’s capable of it. And I have to forgive him for the money he’s lost. For my sake and his, all I can do it support and love him through his gamble free journey.

What It’s Like to Marry Your Soulmate

I’m thirty, and I’ve known my husband since I was 18. He’s the love of my life and my soulmate.

We had met the third day of our freshman year in college. My husband (K) had been in orientation with my roommate, and he invited us out to hit the city and go to this place that allowed japanese sake for the underage college crowd. Of course, I decided I wanted to wear these new pointy toed shoes that I’ve never worn before. I think I bought them from some discount fashion store. Well, halfway through the night, my feet are blistering at the heel and the shoes are feeling too small. K offered to give me a piggyback ride after all my suffering and complaining. I thought it was so sweet and from that moment on we were inseparable.

How do I know my husband is my soulmate?

Now that I’m trying to put this in writing I realize it’s hard to conceptualize but I just can’t imagine my life without him. And if I did have to live without him, I’d probably live alone because, in my heart and soul, I know there’s no one else who will love me like he does. Our relationship is special and not a day goes by that I don’t feel grateful for it.

This is what our relationship is like:

Sometimes we fight

But not very often. We both have flaws but the problem is we’re both comfortable living with our flaws. When we fight, it’s always one of us calling each other out for piss poor behavior. Even our fights I can appreciate because it helps us grow and get over the habits that hold us back. Without the love of my life, I would be stagnant.

Some people fight on the regular, constantly tearing each other apart for being themselves. It’s amazing for me to be with my soulmate who appreciates me for who I am but also calls me out when I’m being crappy.

We end every phone conversation with “Love you.”

This sounds really sappy but we still let each other know that we love one another. It’s so easy to fall into a routine and forget to show affection. We can’t be apart even a day without checking in on each other, seeing how each other’s day went and saying “Love you.” Just hearing someone reaffirm those words to you can change your whole mood and make your day better.

I can see our future of bad times and I’m not scared

The honeymoon phases is said to be the best period in a relationship, when everything is new, exciting and overly romantic. But for K and I, that period came and went a long time ago. Now we’re a couple caught in the routine of life and day to day errands.

The material aspect of our lives doesn’t matter as long as we have each other. We lived with nothing when we were 23-26 and yet I look back at that challenging time with love because even though things were hard we still found ways to have a good time.

Looking forward, I see us getting older, dealing with elderly and sick parents, watching our kids grow up and move out, and our own health scares. All these things are inevitable and sure to happen. And though they’re not necessarily happy things, I’m ok with it because we’ll go through it together.

We still have moments of laughter

You would think that after 12 years we’d run out of things to talk about, let alone laugh about, but we haven’t. Maybe K is just a funny guy but I know for a fact I’m not particularly funny, yet he finds things to laugh about with me. It’s nice. I personally think laughter is the glue that holds relationships together. Once you stop laughing, a relationship just starts to die. He still cracks jokes and I’ll poke fun at both of us.

The moments I remember more than anything are the happy and fun ones, the arguments and challenging times just fade away in my memory.

It’s not just sexual

After 12 years, sex is a little more routine. We have two kids and we have to find time when they’re either away or asleep to get it in and be intimate together. We also know exactly what the other person likes and aren’t selfish in our intimacy. There’s no beating around the bush or floundering to figure out what turns the each other on.

But sex isn’t the foundation of our relationship. So many relationships are based mainly on sex and what the other person has to offer sexually. The reality is that, in a long-term relationship or marriage, sex will wax and wane. Sometimes one person will be going through some stuff and not have much of a libido. Things like illnesses, work issues, family problems, pregnancy and a new child can affect libido. People who base their whole relationship on sex will see their relationship fall apart at the first hurdle.

As my soulmate, my husband doesn’t guilt trip me if there’s a dip in intimacy. Thankfully, he’s understanding. I don’t have to constantly worry that if I can’t have sex he’ll go somewhere else. Our relationship is based on much more than that.

We have things we love to do together

I’ve never understood why people stay together when they can’t find shared interests. To be honest, both K and my interests have changed over the years but we’ve always been able to share something together. Like a favorite show or a restaurant that we love. He entertains my fondness for street carnivals and visiting the rinky-dinky summer carnivals that visit our town. His interests seem to change like the flavor of the week but I’m good at being curious about them. It’s great to have something to bond over and share memories with. These memories will last a lifetime.

I feel at peace

Most of all, I feel a sense of comfort with my soulmate. Having someone who completely understands me is such a blessing. I don’t have to explain myself constantly, he already knows and understands my motivations. I know he’ll always have my back and that I’m not left to face this world alone. Everything we do, we do as a team, not as adversaries trying to one up one another. And I don’t have a sense of insecurity in my relationship because of everything we’ve been through and had to overcome. K is the love of my life and knowing that he will always be there for me has given me an immense sense of peace.

———————-

Overall our relationship has been through a lot. There have been ups and downs along the way and we’ve changed as individuals over the years. Meeting your soulmate doesn’t mean everything will be happy all the time, it does mean that they’ll be able to appreciate all that you offer and be able to complement you as a person. I would describe our relationship as a ying and yang dynamic and I know I’m blessed to be in such a harmonious relationship with the person I love.

I don’t know if there are multiple opportunities to meet your soulmate or whether are multiple people you can be soulmates with. But when you do meet that person, it would be a mistake to let them pass you by. For me, meeting the love of my life was a once in a lifetime experience and a life changing one too.

Check out my other posts!

What is Love?

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You

Help! My Husband Doesn’t Help Around The House

I like to visit relationship forums to give advice and share thoughts on marriage. I don’t know why, I think I like to make sure my marriage is on the right track and see what areas we can improve. It also helps to see how others manage their struggles and succeed. So far we’ve been able to avoid financial issues and dead bedrooms.  However a husband who who won’t clean remains an a problem for most women.

This is the one reoccurring issue we have that I do see on the forums: the problem of having one spouse who cleans thoroughly and is obsessively clean versus the other who maybe isn’t as active on that front.

To name Jenny and Steve as an example. Jenny is great, she’s able to clean the whole house and maintain everything. She’s very organized but she so frustrated with her husband Steve. Steve is less detailed and often leaves cups out on the counter, always needs a reminder to put dishes in the dishwasher, forgets to take out the trash and leaves the laundry right outside the hamper. She’s tired of telling Steve what to do and wishes he could just take initiative himself.

The responses to that kind of question would usually sound something like:

“Your not his mother, he needs to clean after himself”

“Seek counseling, there a lack of communication”

“It’s not right he treats you like a slave, you’re both adults and he needs to act like one.”

In Steve’s defense, I am Steve.

I’m the more cluttered one in my marriage.  I would be labeled as the lazy spouse. My husband is constantly getting annoyed at my lack of organization, the fact that I’m not naturally disposed to being neat, and my worst offense, leaving my clothes inside out in the hamper. One of our biggest fights was over the state of my laundry. It was so bad, I needed to take the night away from home to cool down.

I like to think I’m not some sort of woman-child and that being an adult doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re hundred percent tidy all the time. I don’t believe that housework, chores, and cleaning should be the basis for marital fights let alone divorce and separation. And yet somehow it is.

You see I’m just not that type of personality that obsesses over every single piece of dust in the house, takes pleasure in emptying out the garbage or making sure the house is like a spread from Housekeepers Magazine. I don’t get excited going through the cleaning aisle deciding what to get that will be tough on grease. I’m not good at playing hostess and cleaning up after everyone at the party, and I’m definitely not great at cleaning every nook and cranny in my apartment.

My issue with cleaning goes way before I was married anyway. My mother was perfect at keeping a home. Everything had its place in the house and if you made a mess you would hear it and maybe even feel it from the slipper she used on us. I never understood why my parents stressed when they had to clean the house. As a child, all I wanted to do with was play or be outside. I was often stuck inside every Saturday while my parents broke their backs maintaining their home. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When they were cleaning they were like Mr Hyde, manic and crazy over anything that got in their way. They also used cleaning as a form of punishment. “Oh yeah you didn’t do your homework? I guess your cleaning both bathrooms this weekend!”

So yeah I have a weird relationship with cleaning, nothing triggers me more than someone nagging about me needing to clean. I’m an adult now, I should be able to live as clean or filthy as I want.

The truth is that even if I did make an effort, it would be met with derision. Either that I’m not cleaning fast enough, in the right order or using the cleaning supplies correctly. Apparently the kitchen is the last area you tackle. So I purposely let him go through cleaning weekend on his own now, he’s too particular to please.

But I think my husband has gotten used to my cleaning challenged self. We’ve taken a divide and conquer type of approach to it because we both recognize we have different strengths in our relationship. I’m very particular about our finances. I’m budgeting every week, deciding how to allocate funds, telling him where where to stop his overspending (his vaping), and planning for savings. I also make sure we take care of our health, make all the doctor appointments and cook 50% of the time.

So thankfully, I’m not a complete waste of space in this relationship.

For those of you struggling in terms of who shares the housework load I’d say give the slacker a little credit and room. We aren’t adult children taking advantage, but people with a different set of priorities, talents and strengths.

Household tasks shouldn’t be the reasons why relationships end, but surprisingly they are. Chances are you don’t have a selfish husband who won’t clean, more like a partner who just doesn’t have that kind of strength.

Couples counseling is another way to find a middle ground on such a tumultuous topic.

And if all else fails, just save yourselves the headache and get a cleaning service. No shame in that game.

So to Jenny and Steve, I hope you’re able to work through this difference, worst case, just hire a cleaning person, and keep both your relationship and your sanity.

Check out my other posts on relationships and marriage!

The Biggest Red Flags In A Relationship

Marriage, Finances And Money: The Benefits And Pitfalls

Tags: lazy spouse, husband doesn’t help with anything, should a husband help with housework, sharing chores, household chores, benefits of cleaning service, how to get spouse to clean.

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You

Kissing couple in love
Kissing couple in love outdoors

There are just some girls who have that oomph. That special something that makes guys turn their head and and want to get to know you. I used to wonder how those girls always got the guy I wanted or why they always had men hanging on their every word.

Over time I learned their secret on how to get the guy of your dreams and keep him. It’s actually not that hard. And I know you’re going to say “how can you know how to get my guy? All men and women are different.. Dating is different for everyone!” Actually no, it’s not. Let’s not remake the wheel. For thousands of years women have been attracting men and only the best women who knew these tips and stuck to them got the best man in their lives.

To make a point, I think we can all agree that nearly all women want a man they consider attractive, who is reliable, kind, honest, (at the very minimum) able to hold his own, and without baggage. Now we might want more or less but this is the bare bones of what most women desire.

How do we get this guy that most women want? I was often plagued by self doubt thinking that I was just one of many women being considered.

Here are my 3 top secrets: 1,2, 3 need to be executed together, this is key ?!!!

1. Be physically attractive

No matter your age, being put together and having a style that says you’re confident in your own skin is essential. You might think this is shallow but men are visual creatures, though their tastes may differ. But I would say most men find healthy and clean women attractive. That’s it. That’s the all you need to be considered physically attractive to men.

But surprisingly, a lot of women end up neglecting themselves. And in this increasingly demanding world, who can blame them? But the issue is when you’re neglecting yourself, it says to the world how you feel about yourself. I know this is an unpopular opinion because of “women don’t need to do anything to attract men” feminism. But it takes two to tango and men do get to choose their preferences. I also recommend to always be prepared to meet Mr. Right wherever you go. Not to say you should be dressed in cocktail attire with a full face of makeup all the time, but you also shouldn’t be walking outside with holes in you shirt and stains in your pants.

Here are some tips to help get guys to look your way

A.Exercise: a must do for all women to keep their minds and bodies in a good place.

B.Makeup: this is a bit controversial. Not all women want to wear makeup. At a minimum a good moisturizer is needed for women going without makeup. You also don’t need to cake it on, just to enough to highlight your features.

C.Manicures and Pedicures: there is something about this that just gives a woman a polished look. It doesn’t even have to be all out crazy, even a clear manicured set would look better than ragged, dirty, overgrown nails. I’ve been guilty of going out like that and it always made me feel gross.

D.A Diverse Wardrobe: I think it’s important to have a wardrobe that’s diverse enough for all occasions. How you dress says a lot about you. That doesn’t mean you have to spend a lot, just a few staple pieces that can go with everything else. Wearing yoga pants everyday doesn’t say much about you other than you like to be comfortable.

2.Personality/Confidence

Having a good personality isn’t a given. Some people have it naturally, others are good at faking it, some totally lack it. I won’t define what exactly a good personality is but at a minimum it includes social grace, kindness, self-awareness and empathy. Without all 4 of these things your personality is unbalanced and will likely cause a rift with your partner.

Confidence also plays a large role in your personality. I’ve written a few posts on confidence.

What Does It Take To Be Charismatic and Likeable?

What Does Your Body Language Say About You?

Be Charismatic By Mastering Small Talk

It’s easier said than done, but getting to a place mentally where you can stand firm in yourself and your decisions is attractive. Social grace is almost impossible to achieve without confidence. Self awareness requires confidence in oneself. Empathizing requires seeing outside of yourself, understanding how others feel and being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

Not to say that women can’t have personality but with technology dominating our lives, constantly on our cell phones and social media, developing personality has taken a backseat. Constantly searching for likes and reposts has caused us to become a bit more self absorbed and we’ve lost our ability to empathize.

Together with being attractive, having the confidence and personality, guys will notice you and want to get to know you on a deeper level.

3.Modesty

This is going to be a very unpopular opinion but I’m going to be frank. Women who have sex with their dates immediately and are able to get a long term commitment are in the minority. Often times guys aren’t thinking about their long term relationship goals when they are jumping in the sack with a woman they just started dating.

I’ve made the mistake of thinking, “if he doesn’t get it from me, he’ll get it somewhere else.” And that’s really flawed thinking because a guy that thinks like that is NEVER going to commit to you no matter what you do and is a waste of your time.

Now l’m not going to specify how long to wait. It’s different for everyone. But think of sex as a cake topper. It goes on top after all the other layers of the cake. So after you’ve established trust, understanding, knowing the other person and all the other things that builds a basis for relationship, you can then feel confident to have sex with your partner without it hurting the chances for a long term commitment.

4.Youth

This is optional since obviously not everyone is able to find their partner in their youth for a variety of reasons. I’m not saying that older women are less attractive. But the main benefit of seriously seeking out a partner in your youth (early 20s-early 30s) is that most people are still unattached. Especially men who are emotionally available and working towards financial stability. By 35 most men and women have children and/or are married. During those prime dating years, there’s less pressure to find a partner. Essentially you still have time to comfortably date someone for some time, become engaged and get married before you seriously need to think about children, if you want them.

When looking for a partner in these years, it’s important not to waste time on the wrong incompatible men. Things to consider are attraction, financial stability, personality compatibility, religion, and any other personal deal breakers.

?—?—?—?—?—?—?—?—?—?— –

Finding the man of your dreams and keeping him has a lot to do with you and what you want for yourself. Implementing these 3 or 4 concepts together is what makes for an irresistible woman. All men and women are different, but these core tips will absolutely help you to snag your man and start building the relationship of a lifetime.

Feel free to check out my other posts:

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

My Favorite Dating Book: Why Men Love Bitches

The Biggest Red Flags In A Relationship

Why Dating Culture Doesn’t Work Towards Marriage

 

 

 

Tags: Best relationship advice, healthy relationship tips, love and relationships, break up, marriage relationship, relationship problems, help me with my relationship, relationship guidance, love help, in love, fell in love, when a man falls in love.

Get Over Your Ex Now! With These Easy Tips

Breakup of a couple with sad girlfriend and boyfriend walking away with city in the background

Not all relationships were made to last and I’d be lying if I didn’t linger a little too long in past relationships but I’ve definitely learned over time how to kick the bucket quickly when a difficult breakup with boyfriend has gone sour.

I’ve written a few posts on love before including Biggest Red Flags in A Relationship and What is Love, so this is just a follow up on ending relationships that just aren’t meant to be. And is my best break up advice for women.

1 Cut Contact

Cutting contact with an ex is the hardest thing to do, especially when it’s someone that you’ve been dating for a while. You might have gotten used to them being there for you for nightly chats, companionship, financial help and overall support. Cutting the cord can be scary and daunting. You have to want to get over a breakup with an ex.

I recommend starting with blocking the person on your phone so they can’t call or text you. You’ll also need to cut them from social media and remove their ability to contact you from there. I wouldn’t say that email is next, because it’s a pain in the ass to move all your emails and notices to a different email. The best thing to do is to create an email rule that pushes emails from your ex to Trash or Junk.

In a very deep entanglement, I highly recommend changing phone numbers. When I tell my friends that, the first thing they say is, “Why should I have to be the one to change my number, it’s been my number forever!”

My response is, “keeping your phone number is a way of letting your partner have easy access to contacting you.” I mean, think about it, your phone is always with you!

2) Get rid of memorabilia

Break off all memory. They say “Time heals all wounds.” But it doesn’t help if you keep tokens of the relationship or photos of your previous love.

Some of you might shake your head and say, “I shared some important memories with this person, I just can’t get rid of them.” And I completely get that point of view but In that case, I would recommend storing the items, photos, and memories for a later time when you’ve finally gotten over that person. Store them with a friend, family member or even in mini storage until you can look back at the relationship and feel nothing.

Things I would list as emotionally triggering: photos, jewelry, old clothes from your partner, emails, texts, gifts and any place that you used to frequent with them. The mind is a powerful place and you can easily find yourself visiting memory lane and feeling a lot of nostalgia and heartache with any of these reminders.

3) Sharing friends:

This is probably the hardest thing to manage since friends will likely feel torn if they are closely connected to you and your Ex.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t establish boundaries for what you’re comfortable with.

If your friends are torn between two partners, you don’t need to make them choose. You can establish that for right now you just can’t be near that partner, even as friends, and to not include you in events their attending.

You can also request privacy from your friends. There’s no reason why your Ex should be able to check in on you through friends. True friends wouldn’t gossip about how you’re doing behind your back and would choose to stay neutral.

In the end you might lose some friends, but that’s their choice to make whether they want to pick sides or not. A breakup like this can be very eye opening as to who your true friends are.

When do you know when your finally over an Ex?

When you can look at pictures and not feel any remorse, regret or sadness. One day you’ll be able to look back at pictures or visit an place you used to frequent and feel a calm nostalgia like, “this was a part of my life, but now it’s not.”

Being over an Ex means that you’re able to pass them in the street and not feel embarrassment, fear, shame or sadness.  You can kind of look back at the time you spent with them and feel little to no emotion over what caused the breakup.

Most importantly, FORGIVENESS is the tell-tale sign of being over an Ex.  Because only when your able to forgive, are you able to move-on.

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Feel free to read my other posts on relationships including:

What is Love?

My Favorite Dating Book: Why Men Love Bitches

The Biggest Red Flags In A Relationship

Dating in Your 30s vs Dating In Your 20s

 

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How to get over an ex

Getting over a breakup

How to get over your ex

How to get over your Ex fast