Why Men Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes

Why He Won't Commit & Relationship Mistakes
Why He Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes

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I always imagined that I would marry a man who was tall, dark and handsome, who was obsessed with me and adored me. It was a very immature kind of fantasy because relationships are complex and to expect your partner to always be available and tend to you hand and foot is actually kind of selfish. But that was what I believed for the longest. Little did I know that women everywhere were asking why men won’t commit and trying to solve their relationship mistakes.

What I did get was a husband who pulled his weight, loved our kids and one who shared his hobbies and interests with me. What more can I ask for, really? So far it seems, I already crossed the threshold of what a positive relationship is supposed to look like.

But every time I met up with my friends, I began to realize that my experience with my husband was not the norm. You see, a LOT of my friends were falling into the trap of not getting the commitment they wanted out of a relationship. And some of them weren’t getting the respect that they wanted either. And to be honest, I’ve been hearing this story over and over. It has me wondering WHY, why are all these men not committing? Has our generation really fallen off in terms of a traditional family? What relationship mistakes are we making? Does it have to do with age? What IS it?

I heard it over and over again, the same trope of my friends dating this guy for years and years, falling in love and then falling on their asses once the guy turns stale or when my friend breaks up with them because their partner can’t take the next step.

I was just at a bridal shower last weekend and I was the ONLY one already married. I’m 30. In fact, most the women there were single and most of them left wondering why men won’t commit.

Across from me at my table was Rachel, she was tall, slender with a great figure and pretty blue eyes with flawless skin. She couldn’t have been older than 26, so when she told me she was 31, my jaw dropped. She was also a self sufficient independent woman who started her career as a dentist.

Somehow we got into the conversation of her last relationship mistakes. She had been dating her ex boyfriend since she was 25. She told me that she was hesitant to continue the relationship without a proposal; he was moving to Michigan to continue his dentistry residency.

Despite her reservations, she paid all the licensing fees so she can move to Michigan and start her career there. And then she booked a one way ticket to be with her boyfriend.

Literally the week that she had to move, he TEXTED her and told her “I don’t see myself as being happy with you.”

Like, DAMN. He really just did that to her. My other friend Mariana shook her head and said “If that was me, I’d make him pay for all my expenses.”

This girl was seeing a therapist, that’s how devastated she was.

My older sister had a similar story to this, only her story involved her partner getting mixed up with cocaine and hookers.

What were these women doing wrong, what relationship mistakes were they making? Honestly…all they wanted was for someone to be by their side at the end of it all.

As I listened to their stories I just nodded in agreement. I’ve been there and done that with my Husband. He wasn’t easy to wrangle in either. But I did notice a sort of trend with the behavior of these women and I began to realize, even though what had happened to them was TERRIBLE, to some degree, they also played a role in how things transpired.

Here are my thoughts on why men don’t commit and some huge relationship mistakes women make:

1)He doesn’t owe you shit

I repeat HE DOESN’T OWE YOU SHIT. A lot of women kind of have it in their heads, if they bend over backwards for their man, if they show them that they are *special* and willing to do anything for their man, that the guy will see that. Then he’ll reward them for their hard work with his commitment, love and respect.

In an ideal world, yes, but this is the real world and in the real world when people get things for free or at a discount, they usually think nothing of it.

In fact, it’s his right to be able to leave a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without any repercussions. After all, this isn’t a MARRIAGE, you know, a binding social contract that could have huge ramifications if you break it.

So why Rachel thought that after 6 years she had any way of getting back her losses from her boyfriend was beyond me. Or why any of my friends at the bridal shower thought that.

A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is pretty much worth nothing. It’s all good and dandy in high school when in life isn’t serious but once you reach a certain age, ie. 23 and older, you need to set your mind on something that is more long term and stable. The main purpose is to vet someone to see if they are marriage worthy. This boyfriend/girlfriend vetting period now goes on for years, sometimes without any thought or discussion about what the next step might be.

So without marriage, the guy doesn’t owe you shit and you don’t owe him shit. So don’t expect marriage privileges in what is really a paper thin social arrangement.

2)Why would he change what he’s doing when he’s getting what he wants

Once Rachel said, “I didn’t want to move without an engagement..” and then proceeded to tell us how she made plans to move to Michigan without an engagement, that was enough to tell the whole story of what went wrong what relationship mistakes she made.

She was bending over backwards for him.

Now, a lot of women do this. They think “if I give, then I’ll get. I mean, it’s only fair..”

Wrong. If you give, you’ll keep on giving. Men are a bit different from women in this way. They have been raised from infancy to test their boundaries and to win. They’ve learned this mainly from sports and being around other boys.

There is absolutely no incentive for Rachel’s boyfriend to propose after getting her to move over there. And the fact that he broke up with her after she made plans for him like that, shows he didn’t think she would actually do it and he didn’t want her to make the move for him.

If Rachel was willing to make such a drastic change in her life without getting what she wanted, just imagine all the other ways she was compromising in her relationship without getting anything back.

In this situation, Rachel was settling and her boyfriend knew she was settling and no longer a challenge for him. In fact, he had no reason to change his behavior when he was getting exactly what he wanted. So of course men won’t commit!

3)You’re telling him what you’re worth

Your behavior tells him what you’re worth.

When a guy is ignoring you or yelling at you or cheating on you, and you do absolutely NOTHING about it other than maybe yell and scream at him, it tells him that you accept the behavior.

Look back to the beginning of your relationship when things were rosy and nice, and he was oh so respectful. You just yearn for that part of the relationship, don’t you?

Of course he was treating you nice and great during the honeymoon phase of the relationship; he didn’t know you that well yet. In his mind, you would leave him in disgust if you found out about his dark gambling addiction or if you found out he still had nudes of his ex on his phone. So he made sure to be on his best behavior and acted as the perfect boyfriend. This kept him on his toes.

But, as time went on, some of his bad behavior began to come out into the open and now he knows you know about them. But despite your reservations, he knows that you’re not going to do a goddamn thing. He’ll get the same nagging and annoying conversation he’s used to getting from his Mom about cleaning his room but now it’s his girlfriend with some other silly problem he can’t be bothered with. He’ll agree with you and with wave his hand to shoo you away while he promises to change.

And guess what?

He doesn’t change. Because you’ve already established that you will accept this but with additional negative nagging. And as a result, in his eyes, your worth has been lowered. You’re no longer someone he needs to impress or protect since you’ve already settled for his shit with little to no resistance.

4)You didn’t establish yourself as a valuable woman

A lot of women make the mistake of confusing their value with having good looks.

“If only I was prettier…he wouldn’t treat me this way.”

Honey, pretty girls, models etc. have their own set of boy troubles. They have very similar problems to you. And if a prettier girl was letting a guy treat her they way that you let your boyfriend treat you, trust me, she would have the same problems as you.

In reality, it’s your lack of boundaries that is permitting your issues in your relationship and causing men not to commit.

In addition to the nagging, yelling and crying, you’ve also let a whole bunch of things you normally enjoyed doing fly out the window because they inconvenienced your partner. These are huge relationship mistakes.

Women have a tendency to merge with their partner and start getting rid of things they enjoy or taking on their partner’s slack.

You might see your boyfriends apartment, messy and unorganized and feel the need to take care of his living space for him because he will value your “domestic skills” and his space drives you crazy. What you’re really doing is teaching him that you will be his personal maid rather than someone he needs to impress and clean up after himself for. And honestly, if your partner isn’t your husband, a person who’s made a huge commitment towards you, you shouldn’t be cleaning up after him. EVER. As my father always said, “Why buy the cow when the milk’s for free?” Why give wifey treatment when you’re not his wife?

He might critique a dress you’ve always loved wearing, saying it’s “too short.” So you stop wearing the dress because it gets too much male attention while you’re out with your partner and he gets insecure.

B*tch! What are you doing! You are definitely not establishing value by dressing down and changing your tastes because your boyfriend says so. In fact, you’re allowing your boyfriend to establish your value FOR YOU. This is probably one of the bigger relationship mistakes to make.

Overall, comparing yourself to other women, doing things for your partner he should be able to do for himself and letting him determine what you’re doing and wearing lowers your value in his eyes and that’s why men won’t commit. When you’re “under his thumb” there’s little incentive to put the extra effort with romantic gestures.

5)You didn’t walk away sooner

Breaking up is hard. No one ever wants to break up. The truth is that walking away can result in either him getting his stuff together and doing what it takes to keep you or letting you go because the relationship has met its true end.

Even when a relationship is totally expired, I’ve met some women who find it hard to let go of the partner they’ve come to lose respect for or even hate.

There’s the “sunk cost fallacy” type thinking. The belief you need to carry on because you’ve already invested too much in a relationship. The fear is that all the time and money put into it will fly out the window by leaving and that there is still hope you can still turn things around despite historic failures. Women need to let go of their “hopium” and check into reality and that is, if you aren’t getting what you want out of your relationship and you’ve communicated that more than once and there’s STILL no change, it’s time to cut loose.

Once it’s clear that the relationship will not be getting better, it’s time to take a proactive approach and stop wasting time.

If Rachel had only broken up with her boyfriend when she realized he had commitment problems, she wouldn’t have had to waste a full 7 years chasing a man she had no future with. And she would have been able to seek other opportunities in the time she had lost instead of wondering why men won’t commit.

But hindsight is usually 20/20.
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In today’s day and age, most men won’t commit. And finding one of those unicorn men who are respectful and commitment minded gets harder with each passing year. The most important thing is to take your time getting to know potential suitors, to set boundaries as issues come up and cut them loose as soon as it’s clear it’s not working out.

If I had to answer why men aren’t commiting to their partners, my answer would be that guys just aren’t incentivized to do so. We live in a culture where sex is free and easy. Where it’s available at the click of a button (porn and hookup apps) and where women are forced to compete with each other in this highly sexualized society. So women end up settling for less, taking bad behavior and turning a blind eye and not setting standards at all.

Change the culture, you’ll change society. Change society and you’ll change the minds and hearts of men. But for now, we need to set our standards higher that before, only then can we find our perfect partner.

If you like Why Men Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes, check out my other posts!

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Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You’re Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

My Advice For New Parents & Preparing For A Baby

Preparing for a baby Advice for new parents

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Right now I have a 4 month old at home but this isn’t my first rodeo. Preparing for a baby is rough and honestly a lot of people just have no clue what to expect. You think you know, but you have NO idea. So I thought I would share my advice for new parents & new moms.

Sometimes I see a pregnant woman at work and when I tell them I’m a mother of two kids they kind of look to me hoping I can tell them what to expect when preparing for a baby. Honestly, lol, I don’t want to scare them with the truth, so I usually give them some sort of watered down answer and spin it positively. “Oh, it can get intense, but it gets easier.” Today, however, I’m going to be 100% honest with you guys: THIS SH*T IS NOT A WALK IN THE PARK. Not even for second timers. But at the same time, it’s worth it. The first year baby struggles are worth it.

I recently wrote a post on my postpartum experience and decided to expand on that on what to expect as new parents. With my first daughter, we got sooo much stuff from the baby shower it was like I was swimming in baby gear. It was also much that most of it I didn’t even get to use because the baby was growing too fast.

My first pregnancy was honestly unexpected so we were just living day to day trying to figure it all out. The second time around there were some things I wish I did to prepare for the baby.

If I could do it again here are some advice I would give for new parents preparing few a baby:

1) Rest the week before you’re due or when your body is telling you

I made the terrible mistake of working all the way up to my labor. It was 3 in the morning and I was texting my boss and my coworker that I was going into labor. On one hand, every single day of my maternity leave was used on bonding with my daughter, but after a whole pregnancy on my feet and birthing a 9lb baby, preparing for a baby, I was done!

But the fun had just begun, and taking care of a newborn is an around the clock job. A job I was physically unprepared for because I had used ALL my energy working at my job during the pregnancy, and then whatever energy I had left went towards the delivery. Afterwards, I literally felt like I was hit by a train.

It would have been more productive for me to take a few days off and rest. Then the postpartum period wouldn’t have hit me so hard.

2) Just focus on baby and yourself after the birth

Seriously. I let a few things slip during the pregnancy. I could barely get up off the couch during my 8th and 9th month. I kept saying, “As soon as I give birth, I’ll be more mobile and able to get stuff done.”

That was a huge delusion. Once I gave birth, I was physically drained from giving birth to my 9 lb. miracle. I had to nurse her around the clock too. And yet, I didn’t listen to my body and I still pushed myself to take care of my other daughter like I always do, cook, and clean the house. I was doing this LITERALLY the week after giving birth.

I listened to my mother in law who looked around my house one day with my sink full of dishes and toys strewn on the floor and said, “You know, I know you have a newborn and it’s a lot but you need to make time to clean up. A baby shouldn’t be living like this.” LOL Because she’s my mother in law, I bit my tongue on that one. Some side advice for new parents: Don’t let the inlaws parenting advice get to you.

So I doubled down on cleaning and taking care of my 6 year old, because isn’t that what mothers are supposed to do?

What I really needed to do was focus on the essentials like feeding the baby and resting whenever I could, because in the end it really did me no benefit. Straining myself and spreading myself too thin just resulted in a REALLY difficult postpartum period where I was moody, tired, depressed, anxious and paranoid.

So rest. You deserve it.

3) Get all the baby furniture and baby essentials in advance around 6-7 months.

We already had the baby furniture from our first daughter but the first time around we ordered it a bit early. I kind of just wanted the baby’s space to be settled right away. I didn’t want to worry about it at 8/9 months when my feet were swollen and I could barely stand without my back aching.

That ended up being a good decision. It made things way easier.

Around 7 months I had my baby shower and we literally were drowning in baby stuff in the apartment after that. But it was great to have everything so early. We spent some time organizing the house and decorating the baby’s room so that my first daughter could enter the world with her space already set up. We cleaned the room and prepared meticulously.

Second baby, not so much….

I ordered a few necessities on Amazon but since we already went through bringing a newborn home with our first daughter, we were a little cocky about our preparedness.

My husband scrambled the first two days after I gave birth to clean the house and get the last minute essentials. What I really needed him to do was to help me rest while the baby was fussing. Every 2 to 3 hours the hospital staff was waking me up. It went like this: take temperatures, check on the baby, bathe the baby, and wake me up in the process. I literally had no one sleep at all within the first 48 hours of giving birth. If we had prepared in advance better, he would’ve been able to be by my side and help during those crucial first few days.

4) Don’t let visitors overwhelm you

Everyone and their mother is going to want to see the new baby. And as much as you want to have everyone else meet him/her, there’s a lot to consider before you do.

First, you’re probably going to be super duper exhausted after giving birth. And if you had a c-section, then forget about it. You can barely stand up.

I also made the mistake of letting all of my and my husband’s family visit. But then I had to worry about my house looking kept, me looking half decent, and having enough food in the house, etc. It was ridiculous. Advice to new parents, don’t do that.

What I really needed was for someone to help me clean up around the house, but I was too prideful to ask for help.

It got to a point of exhaustion where I just had to say no. And honestly, I wish I started saying no sooner because I wouldn’t have had such a bad case of the baby blues if I was better rested and I wouldn’t have felt so stressed during my postpartum period.

5) Get a cozy space for nursing or bottle feeding

However, I didn’t forget to buy a boppy pillow. In my opinion, nursing pillows are the most necessary purchases to get. But I did forget how demanding nursing a baby was.

LIke OMG, some days I was nursing a full 8 hours. Holding, rocking, soothing this little ball of joy. I’m so glad I was able to build out a space that was comfortable because I was using that corner of the house ALL THE TIME.

Feedings take a majority of time with a newborn so having a place to keep a rocking chair or a nursing nook is super important.

Despite having set up this space and preparing for a baby, being hunched over a baby while nursing does a job on your back, so having your own comfortable space is a must.

6) Enjoy every day

Most importantly, enjoy every day. This is my most important advice for new parents. I blinked and my baby turned 4 months old. Every day is challenging but every day I have love in my heart for her.

The truth is that I recognize that this period in my life is fleeting. That these fertile years and years I have to be a mom to an infant and young child are slipping away with each passing day. The thought that these times will be behind me one day makes me sad.

So make the best of it. Even if things aren’t perfect, even if things aren’t easy.

Because in a moment, it’ll all be behind you and the only memories you’ll have are the pictures you took and the stories they’ll share.

Check Out My Other Posts If You Like My Advice For New Parents Preparing For A Baby.

My Unplanned Pregnancy Story

On Becoming Mother

7 Signs That He’s A F*ckboy

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Fuckboy. My personal definition is that a f*ckboy is a guy who’s just fucking around with your feelings and is only interested in sex.

This is the millenial’s term for player, playboy, Casablanca, womanizer, etc. These types of men have been fooling women since the dawn of time with promises of sweet nothings and a trail of broken hearts in their wake.

I have no idea how these guys get so many women to fall for them and I have no idea why so many women find them attractive, but fuckboys seem to always be able to move on to the next one before we even had time to shed a tear.

I dated a f*ckboy once, it was both the most terrible and most fun relationship I had ever had. Of course it ended in drama and flames but it was what it was in the end. Fuckboys never stay. I dated one because I was naive and foolishly thought I could change him. I mean, if he could change, he wouldn’t have been a fuckboy.

Here Are The Tell Tale Signs Of A F*ckboy

 

  • Has A Lot Of Women Who Are His Friends

They’re like a circle of hens but this is a huge red flag. Usually when you ask about them, he’ll tell you don’t worry, they’re just friends. Maybe they are, but with fuckboys, their next partner is usually just waiting in the wings for their chance. I don’t know what it is about them, but they always have a circle of female friends. The thing is that these ladies won’t be friends with each other, he and his friends will be the only link.

If you see him flirting, no, you’re not imagining it and you’re not being insecure and crazy.

  • Had A Lot Of Dating Experience

The guy I dated lost his virginity at 13. Like, what the hell! A lot of fuckboys start their dating experience early so that by the time most girls hit the dating market between 18-25, they already have a leg up on you in terms of experience. Ever notice that they already know what to say and do to get your trust and interest?

On top of that, they start early, but they never stay with one girl that long. The guy I was with claimed his longest relationship was 2 years but in the grand scheme of life, that’s not that long. That’s just long enough for the honeymoon phase to wear out. And he had lost count of his partners. That really should have been red flag number 2. If you’re 22 and lost count of your partner’s, there’s something REALLY wrong.

  • Love Bombs You

He’s obsessed with you in the beginning. Everything is amazing and you can’t believe you met a man who could treat you this good. Usually this is coupled with flattery and compliments. He’ll take you on exciting dates and get you gifts. He might say things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you before” or even use the “L” word to get you to fall in love with him.

This part of dating a fuckboy is the most addictive. Like a heroin addict chasing the first high, you’ll keep looking for the treatment he gave you in the beginning.

  • Hot And Cold

Which brings me to my next point, you’ll find the periods of cold shoulder unbearable.

Why doesn’t he text me like he used to?

Why is he suddenly being secretive with his phone?

I feel like he’s distant…

What can I do to fix this?

These are the thoughts that will race through your mind as your fuckboy starts to make his way out to “greener pastures.”

If you’re lucky, his behavior might get hot again to dates that involve 3am booty calls or dates that are exclusively spent on your dime.

  • All His Guy Friends Are Single And Fuckboys Or Fuckboy Wannabes

Like attracts like and a mega f*ckboy is very likely followed by other fuckboys or fuckboy wannabes.

These other guys are going to be approving of your fuckboy’s bad behavior, thus keeping him from being the good partner you wish he was.

The wannabes aren’t nearly as bad and might even make for a good shoulder to cry on when your f*ckboy screws you over. But these guys live by the “bros before hoes” mindset so I wouldn’t count on it. They’re more likely to cover for him while he’s out picking up other girls and you’re at home waiting for his text.

  • Loves To Club And Party

Your f*ckboy and his playboy posse are definitely club lovers. That’s honestly probably where you met him in the first place. They’re a lot of fun to party with but the party doesn’t stop just because he started dating you. Chances are you’ll need to keep up with his party party lifestyle every day of the week or be concerned about the other ladies he could be meeting without your watchful eye.

When you tell him you don’t like when he goes to clubs without you, he’ll turn it on you and call you controlling.

If you’re a gal looking for the player experience, look no further than your local club. The nightclubs are teeming with them.

  • Is Into Status Symbols

I never met a player that didn’t wear heavy cologne, drive a car he couldn’t afford and drop all his money into brand name shoes, belts, clothes and sunglasses.

I guess that’s one of the things that attracts women to them. Women love a man who can dress and presents himself as someone successful. The fuckboy is not without a high view of himself and is very capable of giving off a false impression of success by surrounding himself with status symbols.

Most likely he views his sexual conquests as status symbols also. The f*ckboy, lacking any self confidence or self-awareness, seeks outward symbols of value that he attaches to his own self worth. He’s constantly looking to hook up with the hottest girls because it makes him feel like he’s hot. And if you can’t fill his this role of being his human status symbol, don’t expect him to stick around.

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These fuckboys are just playing games and aren’t worth the hassle of a broken heart. These tips are from every player I met and dated.

Changing a player into a man is impossible, many women have tried but his final destination is bachelorhood with a dog to keep him company.

So my advice to all the women out there reading this is to drop those f’boys. If you’re reading this and thinking, “y’know what, this sounds like __________. This sounds exactly like him,” then drop him!

Trust me, save yourself the heartache and find yourself a quality man for long term commitment.

 

Check Out My Other Relationship Posts!

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

What It’s Like to Marry Your Soulmate

Why Dating Apps Suck

My Favorite Dating Book: Why Men Love Bitches

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You

What It’s Like to Marry Your Soulmate

I’m thirty, and I’ve known my husband since I was 18. He’s the love of my life and my soulmate.

We had met the third day of our freshman year in college. My husband (K) had been in orientation with my roommate, and he invited us out to hit the city and go to this place that allowed japanese sake for the underage college crowd. Of course, I decided I wanted to wear these new pointy toed shoes that I’ve never worn before. I think I bought them from some discount fashion store. Well, halfway through the night, my feet are blistering at the heel and the shoes are feeling too small. K offered to give me a piggyback ride after all my suffering and complaining. I thought it was so sweet and from that moment on we were inseparable.

How do I know my husband is my soulmate?

Now that I’m trying to put this in writing I realize it’s hard to conceptualize but I just can’t imagine my life without him. And if I did have to live without him, I’d probably live alone because, in my heart and soul, I know there’s no one else who will love me like he does. Our relationship is special and not a day goes by that I don’t feel grateful for it.

This is what our relationship is like:

Sometimes we fight

But not very often. We both have flaws but the problem is we’re both comfortable living with our flaws. When we fight, it’s always one of us calling each other out for piss poor behavior. Even our fights I can appreciate because it helps us grow and get over the habits that hold us back. Without the love of my life, I would be stagnant.

Some people fight on the regular, constantly tearing each other apart for being themselves. It’s amazing for me to be with my soulmate who appreciates me for who I am but also calls me out when I’m being crappy.

We end every phone conversation with “Love you.”

This sounds really sappy but we still let each other know that we love one another. It’s so easy to fall into a routine and forget to show affection. We can’t be apart even a day without checking in on each other, seeing how each other’s day went and saying “Love you.” Just hearing someone reaffirm those words to you can change your whole mood and make your day better.

I can see our future of bad times and I’m not scared

The honeymoon phases is said to be the best period in a relationship, when everything is new, exciting and overly romantic. But for K and I, that period came and went a long time ago. Now we’re a couple caught in the routine of life and day to day errands.

The material aspect of our lives doesn’t matter as long as we have each other. We lived with nothing when we were 23-26 and yet I look back at that challenging time with love because even though things were hard we still found ways to have a good time.

Looking forward, I see us getting older, dealing with elderly and sick parents, watching our kids grow up and move out, and our own health scares. All these things are inevitable and sure to happen. And though they’re not necessarily happy things, I’m ok with it because we’ll go through it together.

We still have moments of laughter

You would think that after 12 years we’d run out of things to talk about, let alone laugh about, but we haven’t. Maybe K is just a funny guy but I know for a fact I’m not particularly funny, yet he finds things to laugh about with me. It’s nice. I personally think laughter is the glue that holds relationships together. Once you stop laughing, a relationship just starts to die. He still cracks jokes and I’ll poke fun at both of us.

The moments I remember more than anything are the happy and fun ones, the arguments and challenging times just fade away in my memory.

It’s not just sexual

After 12 years, sex is a little more routine. We have two kids and we have to find time when they’re either away or asleep to get it in and be intimate together. We also know exactly what the other person likes and aren’t selfish in our intimacy. There’s no beating around the bush or floundering to figure out what turns the each other on.

But sex isn’t the foundation of our relationship. So many relationships are based mainly on sex and what the other person has to offer sexually. The reality is that, in a long-term relationship or marriage, sex will wax and wane. Sometimes one person will be going through some stuff and not have much of a libido. Things like illnesses, work issues, family problems, pregnancy and a new child can affect libido. People who base their whole relationship on sex will see their relationship fall apart at the first hurdle.

As my soulmate, my husband doesn’t guilt trip me if there’s a dip in intimacy. Thankfully, he’s understanding. I don’t have to constantly worry that if I can’t have sex he’ll go somewhere else. Our relationship is based on much more than that.

We have things we love to do together

I’ve never understood why people stay together when they can’t find shared interests. To be honest, both K and my interests have changed over the years but we’ve always been able to share something together. Like a favorite show or a restaurant that we love. He entertains my fondness for street carnivals and visiting the rinky-dinky summer carnivals that visit our town. His interests seem to change like the flavor of the week but I’m good at being curious about them. It’s great to have something to bond over and share memories with. These memories will last a lifetime.

I feel at peace

Most of all, I feel a sense of comfort with my soulmate. Having someone who completely understands me is such a blessing. I don’t have to explain myself constantly, he already knows and understands my motivations. I know he’ll always have my back and that I’m not left to face this world alone. Everything we do, we do as a team, not as adversaries trying to one up one another. And I don’t have a sense of insecurity in my relationship because of everything we’ve been through and had to overcome. K is the love of my life and knowing that he will always be there for me has given me an immense sense of peace.

———————-

Overall our relationship has been through a lot. There have been ups and downs along the way and we’ve changed as individuals over the years. Meeting your soulmate doesn’t mean everything will be happy all the time, it does mean that they’ll be able to appreciate all that you offer and be able to complement you as a person. I would describe our relationship as a ying and yang dynamic and I know I’m blessed to be in such a harmonious relationship with the person I love.

I don’t know if there are multiple opportunities to meet your soulmate or whether are multiple people you can be soulmates with. But when you do meet that person, it would be a mistake to let them pass you by. For me, meeting the love of my life was a once in a lifetime experience and a life changing one too.

Check out my other posts!

What is Love?

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You

Why Dating Apps Suck

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My close friend and I agreed to meet at the local coffee hub in my hometown. Sip This is eclectic, with someone playing guitar in the background and a string of lights and colorful dangling paper lanterns overhead. It’s nice to be able to catch up with Jessica. We’ve been so busy with our day to day lives and are lucky to meet up maybe 3-4x a year. It always feels like no time has passed.

As we sit down over a cup of joe, I can’t wait to hear what’s going on in her life. She has been single for a few years and was enjoying being back on the dating scene. A majority of what she was doing to meet guys was using online dating apps. We giggled as we went through her dating profile. I comment that she looked great in all her dating profiles- she really did. Overall, she was having fun dating and meeting new guys.

“Can I swipe for you?”

I was curious. I was married before the whole Tinder dating thing exploded. Besides, I already had an idea of what kind of guy she likes.

She hands over the phone and we huddle around it while I start reviewing profiles.

Profile after profile I swipe left. There’s a guy with his shirt off, there’s a guy surrounded by other girls in his pics, and there’s a guy who’s obviously just not right for my friend judging from his request for open relationships. Finally after swiping left endlessly, I find a guy that looks like a winner.

“Oooh, how about this one, he looks like he has a job. And is kinda cute!” I said excitedly. The app didn’t give me much to work with. Actually, he looked a little like her last serious boyfriend. I figured she’d be attracted to what seems familiar.

“Ew, no!” She rolls her eyes, “I’m glad he works, but that’s not the only criteria.”

“What’s wrong with that guy? His profile seems genuine. You could message him and get to know him,” I said, maybe if talk him up she would at least give him a chance. I was starting to get tired, we had been swiping left for like 15 minutes and we weren’t getting anywhere.

“You can swipe right all you want; but at the end of the day, I’m eventually going to have to sleep with him and if I’m not attracted to him, why bother?”

I look at her incredulously, ” You don’t have to sleep with them right away! You’re just getting to know them! And anyway, sometimes it takes time for attraction to build. It doesn’t always happen immediately.”

“I know that! But I just hate being the person to end things. It’s so awkward. And if attraction doesn’t grow after a few dates, I’ll have to end it.”

“…so you would prefer if guys broke up with you?” I was still very confused but decided to drop it and keep swiping. I didn’t want to get her upset. After all, I was already married. I needed to get off my high horse and stop judging her; dating is hard.

But it had me thinking of how ineffective online dating apps really are. I mean, it felt like a game, not too different from Pokémon Go. Gotta Catch Em All but this game was more like gotta swipe em all.

The interactions were too superficial. We spent literally 2 seconds looking at a guy to swipe left on him. She could at least read his profile to see what he had to offer. But I imagine this is how millions of app users go through profiles, swiping aimlessly left without looking at more context beyond the first profile picture. I could see why people might catfish scheme; if they don’t present themselves in the most attractive way, they’ll never get any messages. If you knew how to play the game, I’m sure you were very successful.

And all the expectations! I knew people expected sex after a handful of dates but I guess on Tinder and other dating apps that expectation comes sooner? It was causing Jessica to change how she was using the app because if she didn’t have sex with a guy after a few dates, it was going to be a whole awkward conversation. I mean, what happened to the whole courting process? The excitement of dating was not knowing if the other person liked you or whether you would have sex. Sex wasn’t automatically expected.

…Or maybe it was and I just never noticed.

Still, there was also a sense of endless dating options. We were swiping for about 40 minutes. We must’ve went through at least 200 profiles and the great options seemed endless. That’s the paradox of choice, you believe that you have so many choices that you can’t choose any of them,there’s always something better around the corner. Why should Jessica choose one of these guys right in front of her when she could just keep swiping left and possibly find the perfect man? It’s hard to let go of so many options and just choose one.

Overall, I felt like if I had to use those apps to find a date, it would just feed my narcissism. I know that sounds terrible, but we’re all a little narcissistic. We like knowing that other people like us, having someone like your profile pic or swipe right to message you feeds that narcissism. It would just reiterate the want and need to be liked. I don’t feel like the online dating apps actually help people meet the loves of their lives; more so, to feed their narcissistic tendencies.

So between having too many options being told you’re wonderful all the time and all the expectations associated with online dating it just seems stressful and a lot of work. It was interesting to get insight on how online dating is but at the end of the day I’m telling my friend not to put all her eggs in one basket there are other ways to date, including: referred by a friend, good old meeting people in public and through your work environment.

I also told Jessica she should start dating multiple men at once and so she can give more men a chance and get to know them. The men she was talking to seemed flakey.

Even though there are undoubtably people who find their match online, it seemed like a lot of work. But then again, so is being married with children. I guess we pick our poison. For me, I’m glad I’m married so I don’t have to cherry pick a man out of a sea of options, likes, swipes, and confusing social expectations.

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