Why Men Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes

Why He Won't Commit & Relationship Mistakes
Why He Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes

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I always imagined that I would marry a man who was tall, dark and handsome, who was obsessed with me and adored me. It was a very immature kind of fantasy because relationships are complex and to expect your partner to always be available and tend to you hand and foot is actually kind of selfish. But that was what I believed for the longest. Little did I know that women everywhere were asking why men won’t commit and trying to solve their relationship mistakes.

What I did get was a husband who pulled his weight, loved our kids and one who shared his hobbies and interests with me. What more can I ask for, really? So far it seems, I already crossed the threshold of what a positive relationship is supposed to look like.

But every time I met up with my friends, I began to realize that my experience with my husband was not the norm. You see, a LOT of my friends were falling into the trap of not getting the commitment they wanted out of a relationship. And some of them weren’t getting the respect that they wanted either. And to be honest, I’ve been hearing this story over and over. It has me wondering WHY, why are all these men not committing? Has our generation really fallen off in terms of a traditional family? What relationship mistakes are we making? Does it have to do with age? What IS it?

I heard it over and over again, the same trope of my friends dating this guy for years and years, falling in love and then falling on their asses once the guy turns stale or when my friend breaks up with them because their partner can’t take the next step.

I was just at a bridal shower last weekend and I was the ONLY one already married. I’m 30. In fact, most the women there were single and most of them left wondering why men won’t commit.

Across from me at my table was Rachel, she was tall, slender with a great figure and pretty blue eyes with flawless skin. She couldn’t have been older than 26, so when she told me she was 31, my jaw dropped. She was also a self sufficient independent woman who started her career as a dentist.

Somehow we got into the conversation of her last relationship mistakes. She had been dating her ex boyfriend since she was 25. She told me that she was hesitant to continue the relationship without a proposal; he was moving to Michigan to continue his dentistry residency.

Despite her reservations, she paid all the licensing fees so she can move to Michigan and start her career there. And then she booked a one way ticket to be with her boyfriend.

Literally the week that she had to move, he TEXTED her and told her “I don’t see myself as being happy with you.”

Like, DAMN. He really just did that to her. My other friend Mariana shook her head and said “If that was me, I’d make him pay for all my expenses.”

This girl was seeing a therapist, that’s how devastated she was.

My older sister had a similar story to this, only her story involved her partner getting mixed up with cocaine and hookers.

What were these women doing wrong, what relationship mistakes were they making? Honestly…all they wanted was for someone to be by their side at the end of it all.

As I listened to their stories I just nodded in agreement. I’ve been there and done that with my Husband. He wasn’t easy to wrangle in either. But I did notice a sort of trend with the behavior of these women and I began to realize, even though what had happened to them was TERRIBLE, to some degree, they also played a role in how things transpired.

Here are my thoughts on why men don’t commit and some huge relationship mistakes women make:

1)He doesn’t owe you shit

I repeat HE DOESN’T OWE YOU SHIT. A lot of women kind of have it in their heads, if they bend over backwards for their man, if they show them that they are *special* and willing to do anything for their man, that the guy will see that. Then he’ll reward them for their hard work with his commitment, love and respect.

In an ideal world, yes, but this is the real world and in the real world when people get things for free or at a discount, they usually think nothing of it.

In fact, it’s his right to be able to leave a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without any repercussions. After all, this isn’t a MARRIAGE, you know, a binding social contract that could have huge ramifications if you break it.

So why Rachel thought that after 6 years she had any way of getting back her losses from her boyfriend was beyond me. Or why any of my friends at the bridal shower thought that.

A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is pretty much worth nothing. It’s all good and dandy in high school when in life isn’t serious but once you reach a certain age, ie. 23 and older, you need to set your mind on something that is more long term and stable. The main purpose is to vet someone to see if they are marriage worthy. This boyfriend/girlfriend vetting period now goes on for years, sometimes without any thought or discussion about what the next step might be.

So without marriage, the guy doesn’t owe you shit and you don’t owe him shit. So don’t expect marriage privileges in what is really a paper thin social arrangement.

2)Why would he change what he’s doing when he’s getting what he wants

Once Rachel said, “I didn’t want to move without an engagement..” and then proceeded to tell us how she made plans to move to Michigan without an engagement, that was enough to tell the whole story of what went wrong what relationship mistakes she made.

She was bending over backwards for him.

Now, a lot of women do this. They think “if I give, then I’ll get. I mean, it’s only fair..”

Wrong. If you give, you’ll keep on giving. Men are a bit different from women in this way. They have been raised from infancy to test their boundaries and to win. They’ve learned this mainly from sports and being around other boys.

There is absolutely no incentive for Rachel’s boyfriend to propose after getting her to move over there. And the fact that he broke up with her after she made plans for him like that, shows he didn’t think she would actually do it and he didn’t want her to make the move for him.

If Rachel was willing to make such a drastic change in her life without getting what she wanted, just imagine all the other ways she was compromising in her relationship without getting anything back.

In this situation, Rachel was settling and her boyfriend knew she was settling and no longer a challenge for him. In fact, he had no reason to change his behavior when he was getting exactly what he wanted. So of course men won’t commit!

3)You’re telling him what you’re worth

Your behavior tells him what you’re worth.

When a guy is ignoring you or yelling at you or cheating on you, and you do absolutely NOTHING about it other than maybe yell and scream at him, it tells him that you accept the behavior.

Look back to the beginning of your relationship when things were rosy and nice, and he was oh so respectful. You just yearn for that part of the relationship, don’t you?

Of course he was treating you nice and great during the honeymoon phase of the relationship; he didn’t know you that well yet. In his mind, you would leave him in disgust if you found out about his dark gambling addiction or if you found out he still had nudes of his ex on his phone. So he made sure to be on his best behavior and acted as the perfect boyfriend. This kept him on his toes.

But, as time went on, some of his bad behavior began to come out into the open and now he knows you know about them. But despite your reservations, he knows that you’re not going to do a goddamn thing. He’ll get the same nagging and annoying conversation he’s used to getting from his Mom about cleaning his room but now it’s his girlfriend with some other silly problem he can’t be bothered with. He’ll agree with you and with wave his hand to shoo you away while he promises to change.

And guess what?

He doesn’t change. Because you’ve already established that you will accept this but with additional negative nagging. And as a result, in his eyes, your worth has been lowered. You’re no longer someone he needs to impress or protect since you’ve already settled for his shit with little to no resistance.

4)You didn’t establish yourself as a valuable woman

A lot of women make the mistake of confusing their value with having good looks.

“If only I was prettier…he wouldn’t treat me this way.”

Honey, pretty girls, models etc. have their own set of boy troubles. They have very similar problems to you. And if a prettier girl was letting a guy treat her they way that you let your boyfriend treat you, trust me, she would have the same problems as you.

In reality, it’s your lack of boundaries that is permitting your issues in your relationship and causing men not to commit.

In addition to the nagging, yelling and crying, you’ve also let a whole bunch of things you normally enjoyed doing fly out the window because they inconvenienced your partner. These are huge relationship mistakes.

Women have a tendency to merge with their partner and start getting rid of things they enjoy or taking on their partner’s slack.

You might see your boyfriends apartment, messy and unorganized and feel the need to take care of his living space for him because he will value your “domestic skills” and his space drives you crazy. What you’re really doing is teaching him that you will be his personal maid rather than someone he needs to impress and clean up after himself for. And honestly, if your partner isn’t your husband, a person who’s made a huge commitment towards you, you shouldn’t be cleaning up after him. EVER. As my father always said, “Why buy the cow when the milk’s for free?” Why give wifey treatment when you’re not his wife?

He might critique a dress you’ve always loved wearing, saying it’s “too short.” So you stop wearing the dress because it gets too much male attention while you’re out with your partner and he gets insecure.

B*tch! What are you doing! You are definitely not establishing value by dressing down and changing your tastes because your boyfriend says so. In fact, you’re allowing your boyfriend to establish your value FOR YOU. This is probably one of the bigger relationship mistakes to make.

Overall, comparing yourself to other women, doing things for your partner he should be able to do for himself and letting him determine what you’re doing and wearing lowers your value in his eyes and that’s why men won’t commit. When you’re “under his thumb” there’s little incentive to put the extra effort with romantic gestures.

5)You didn’t walk away sooner

Breaking up is hard. No one ever wants to break up. The truth is that walking away can result in either him getting his stuff together and doing what it takes to keep you or letting you go because the relationship has met its true end.

Even when a relationship is totally expired, I’ve met some women who find it hard to let go of the partner they’ve come to lose respect for or even hate.

There’s the “sunk cost fallacy” type thinking. The belief you need to carry on because you’ve already invested too much in a relationship. The fear is that all the time and money put into it will fly out the window by leaving and that there is still hope you can still turn things around despite historic failures. Women need to let go of their “hopium” and check into reality and that is, if you aren’t getting what you want out of your relationship and you’ve communicated that more than once and there’s STILL no change, it’s time to cut loose.

Once it’s clear that the relationship will not be getting better, it’s time to take a proactive approach and stop wasting time.

If Rachel had only broken up with her boyfriend when she realized he had commitment problems, she wouldn’t have had to waste a full 7 years chasing a man she had no future with. And she would have been able to seek other opportunities in the time she had lost instead of wondering why men won’t commit.

But hindsight is usually 20/20.
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In today’s day and age, most men won’t commit. And finding one of those unicorn men who are respectful and commitment minded gets harder with each passing year. The most important thing is to take your time getting to know potential suitors, to set boundaries as issues come up and cut them loose as soon as it’s clear it’s not working out.

If I had to answer why men aren’t commiting to their partners, my answer would be that guys just aren’t incentivized to do so. We live in a culture where sex is free and easy. Where it’s available at the click of a button (porn and hookup apps) and where women are forced to compete with each other in this highly sexualized society. So women end up settling for less, taking bad behavior and turning a blind eye and not setting standards at all.

Change the culture, you’ll change society. Change society and you’ll change the minds and hearts of men. But for now, we need to set our standards higher that before, only then can we find our perfect partner.

If you like Why Men Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes, check out my other posts!

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7 Signs That He’s A F*ckboy

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Fuckboy. My personal definition is that a f*ckboy is a guy who’s just fucking around with your feelings and is only interested in sex.

This is the millenial’s term for player, playboy, Casablanca, womanizer, etc. These types of men have been fooling women since the dawn of time with promises of sweet nothings and a trail of broken hearts in their wake.

I have no idea how these guys get so many women to fall for them and I have no idea why so many women find them attractive, but fuckboys seem to always be able to move on to the next one before we even had time to shed a tear.

I dated a f*ckboy once, it was both the most terrible and most fun relationship I had ever had. Of course it ended in drama and flames but it was what it was in the end. Fuckboys never stay. I dated one because I was naive and foolishly thought I could change him. I mean, if he could change, he wouldn’t have been a fuckboy.

Here Are The Tell Tale Signs Of A F*ckboy

 

  • Has A Lot Of Women Who Are His Friends

They’re like a circle of hens but this is a huge red flag. Usually when you ask about them, he’ll tell you don’t worry, they’re just friends. Maybe they are, but with fuckboys, their next partner is usually just waiting in the wings for their chance. I don’t know what it is about them, but they always have a circle of female friends. The thing is that these ladies won’t be friends with each other, he and his friends will be the only link.

If you see him flirting, no, you’re not imagining it and you’re not being insecure and crazy.

  • Had A Lot Of Dating Experience

The guy I dated lost his virginity at 13. Like, what the hell! A lot of fuckboys start their dating experience early so that by the time most girls hit the dating market between 18-25, they already have a leg up on you in terms of experience. Ever notice that they already know what to say and do to get your trust and interest?

On top of that, they start early, but they never stay with one girl that long. The guy I was with claimed his longest relationship was 2 years but in the grand scheme of life, that’s not that long. That’s just long enough for the honeymoon phase to wear out. And he had lost count of his partners. That really should have been red flag number 2. If you’re 22 and lost count of your partner’s, there’s something REALLY wrong.

  • Love Bombs You

He’s obsessed with you in the beginning. Everything is amazing and you can’t believe you met a man who could treat you this good. Usually this is coupled with flattery and compliments. He’ll take you on exciting dates and get you gifts. He might say things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you before” or even use the “L” word to get you to fall in love with him.

This part of dating a fuckboy is the most addictive. Like a heroin addict chasing the first high, you’ll keep looking for the treatment he gave you in the beginning.

  • Hot And Cold

Which brings me to my next point, you’ll find the periods of cold shoulder unbearable.

Why doesn’t he text me like he used to?

Why is he suddenly being secretive with his phone?

I feel like he’s distant…

What can I do to fix this?

These are the thoughts that will race through your mind as your fuckboy starts to make his way out to “greener pastures.”

If you’re lucky, his behavior might get hot again to dates that involve 3am booty calls or dates that are exclusively spent on your dime.

  • All His Guy Friends Are Single And Fuckboys Or Fuckboy Wannabes

Like attracts like and a mega f*ckboy is very likely followed by other fuckboys or fuckboy wannabes.

These other guys are going to be approving of your fuckboy’s bad behavior, thus keeping him from being the good partner you wish he was.

The wannabes aren’t nearly as bad and might even make for a good shoulder to cry on when your f*ckboy screws you over. But these guys live by the “bros before hoes” mindset so I wouldn’t count on it. They’re more likely to cover for him while he’s out picking up other girls and you’re at home waiting for his text.

  • Loves To Club And Party

Your f*ckboy and his playboy posse are definitely club lovers. That’s honestly probably where you met him in the first place. They’re a lot of fun to party with but the party doesn’t stop just because he started dating you. Chances are you’ll need to keep up with his party party lifestyle every day of the week or be concerned about the other ladies he could be meeting without your watchful eye.

When you tell him you don’t like when he goes to clubs without you, he’ll turn it on you and call you controlling.

If you’re a gal looking for the player experience, look no further than your local club. The nightclubs are teeming with them.

  • Is Into Status Symbols

I never met a player that didn’t wear heavy cologne, drive a car he couldn’t afford and drop all his money into brand name shoes, belts, clothes and sunglasses.

I guess that’s one of the things that attracts women to them. Women love a man who can dress and presents himself as someone successful. The fuckboy is not without a high view of himself and is very capable of giving off a false impression of success by surrounding himself with status symbols.

Most likely he views his sexual conquests as status symbols also. The f*ckboy, lacking any self confidence or self-awareness, seeks outward symbols of value that he attaches to his own self worth. He’s constantly looking to hook up with the hottest girls because it makes him feel like he’s hot. And if you can’t fill his this role of being his human status symbol, don’t expect him to stick around.

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These fuckboys are just playing games and aren’t worth the hassle of a broken heart. These tips are from every player I met and dated.

Changing a player into a man is impossible, many women have tried but his final destination is bachelorhood with a dog to keep him company.

So my advice to all the women out there reading this is to drop those f’boys. If you’re reading this and thinking, “y’know what, this sounds like __________. This sounds exactly like him,” then drop him!

Trust me, save yourself the heartache and find yourself a quality man for long term commitment.

 

Check Out My Other Relationship Posts!

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

What It’s Like to Marry Your Soulmate

Why Dating Apps Suck

My Favorite Dating Book: Why Men Love Bitches

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You

Kissing couple in love
Kissing couple in love outdoors

There are just some girls who have that oomph. That special something that makes guys turn their head and and want to get to know you. I used to wonder how those girls always got the guy I wanted or why they always had men hanging on their every word.

Over time I learned their secret on how to get the guy of your dreams and keep him. It’s actually not that hard. And I know you’re going to say “how can you know how to get my guy? All men and women are different.. Dating is different for everyone!” Actually no, it’s not. Let’s not remake the wheel. For thousands of years women have been attracting men and only the best women who knew these tips and stuck to them got the best man in their lives.

To make a point, I think we can all agree that nearly all women want a man they consider attractive, who is reliable, kind, honest, (at the very minimum) able to hold his own, and without baggage. Now we might want more or less but this is the bare bones of what most women desire.

How do we get this guy that most women want? I was often plagued by self doubt thinking that I was just one of many women being considered.

Here are my 3 top secrets: 1,2, 3 need to be executed together, this is key ?!!!

1. Be physically attractive

No matter your age, being put together and having a style that says you’re confident in your own skin is essential. You might think this is shallow but men are visual creatures, though their tastes may differ. But I would say most men find healthy and clean women attractive. That’s it. That’s the all you need to be considered physically attractive to men.

But surprisingly, a lot of women end up neglecting themselves. And in this increasingly demanding world, who can blame them? But the issue is when you’re neglecting yourself, it says to the world how you feel about yourself. I know this is an unpopular opinion because of “women don’t need to do anything to attract men” feminism. But it takes two to tango and men do get to choose their preferences. I also recommend to always be prepared to meet Mr. Right wherever you go. Not to say you should be dressed in cocktail attire with a full face of makeup all the time, but you also shouldn’t be walking outside with holes in you shirt and stains in your pants.

Here are some tips to help get guys to look your way

A.Exercise: a must do for all women to keep their minds and bodies in a good place.

B.Makeup: this is a bit controversial. Not all women want to wear makeup. At a minimum a good moisturizer is needed for women going without makeup. You also don’t need to cake it on, just to enough to highlight your features.

C.Manicures and Pedicures: there is something about this that just gives a woman a polished look. It doesn’t even have to be all out crazy, even a clear manicured set would look better than ragged, dirty, overgrown nails. I’ve been guilty of going out like that and it always made me feel gross.

D.A Diverse Wardrobe: I think it’s important to have a wardrobe that’s diverse enough for all occasions. How you dress says a lot about you. That doesn’t mean you have to spend a lot, just a few staple pieces that can go with everything else. Wearing yoga pants everyday doesn’t say much about you other than you like to be comfortable.

2.Personality/Confidence

Having a good personality isn’t a given. Some people have it naturally, others are good at faking it, some totally lack it. I won’t define what exactly a good personality is but at a minimum it includes social grace, kindness, self-awareness and empathy. Without all 4 of these things your personality is unbalanced and will likely cause a rift with your partner.

Confidence also plays a large role in your personality. I’ve written a few posts on confidence.

What Does It Take To Be Charismatic and Likeable?

What Does Your Body Language Say About You?

Be Charismatic By Mastering Small Talk

It’s easier said than done, but getting to a place mentally where you can stand firm in yourself and your decisions is attractive. Social grace is almost impossible to achieve without confidence. Self awareness requires confidence in oneself. Empathizing requires seeing outside of yourself, understanding how others feel and being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

Not to say that women can’t have personality but with technology dominating our lives, constantly on our cell phones and social media, developing personality has taken a backseat. Constantly searching for likes and reposts has caused us to become a bit more self absorbed and we’ve lost our ability to empathize.

Together with being attractive, having the confidence and personality, guys will notice you and want to get to know you on a deeper level.

3.Modesty

This is going to be a very unpopular opinion but I’m going to be frank. Women who have sex with their dates immediately and are able to get a long term commitment are in the minority. Often times guys aren’t thinking about their long term relationship goals when they are jumping in the sack with a woman they just started dating.

I’ve made the mistake of thinking, “if he doesn’t get it from me, he’ll get it somewhere else.” And that’s really flawed thinking because a guy that thinks like that is NEVER going to commit to you no matter what you do and is a waste of your time.

Now l’m not going to specify how long to wait. It’s different for everyone. But think of sex as a cake topper. It goes on top after all the other layers of the cake. So after you’ve established trust, understanding, knowing the other person and all the other things that builds a basis for relationship, you can then feel confident to have sex with your partner without it hurting the chances for a long term commitment.

4.Youth

This is optional since obviously not everyone is able to find their partner in their youth for a variety of reasons. I’m not saying that older women are less attractive. But the main benefit of seriously seeking out a partner in your youth (early 20s-early 30s) is that most people are still unattached. Especially men who are emotionally available and working towards financial stability. By 35 most men and women have children and/or are married. During those prime dating years, there’s less pressure to find a partner. Essentially you still have time to comfortably date someone for some time, become engaged and get married before you seriously need to think about children, if you want them.

When looking for a partner in these years, it’s important not to waste time on the wrong incompatible men. Things to consider are attraction, financial stability, personality compatibility, religion, and any other personal deal breakers.

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Finding the man of your dreams and keeping him has a lot to do with you and what you want for yourself. Implementing these 3 or 4 concepts together is what makes for an irresistible woman. All men and women are different, but these core tips will absolutely help you to snag your man and start building the relationship of a lifetime.

Feel free to check out my other posts:

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

My Favorite Dating Book: Why Men Love Bitches

The Biggest Red Flags In A Relationship

Why Dating Culture Doesn’t Work Towards Marriage

 

 

 

Tags: Best relationship advice, healthy relationship tips, love and relationships, break up, marriage relationship, relationship problems, help me with my relationship, relationship guidance, love help, in love, fell in love, when a man falls in love.

Why Dating Culture Doesn’t Work Towards Marriage

Dating culture and finding a good quality man

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I’m going to share my unpopular opinion. The opinion that’s going to leave some of you shaking your head saying, “she really had to go there.” I just can’t stay quiet about it anymore. Today’s dating culture and online dating world just doesn’t work towards marriage and all the dating advice that’s being thrown out there is just plain WRONG. It’s written by other single women who really just don’t know what a good quality man wants or how to get what they want: marriage.

I’m not writing to the women who genuinely want to remain single and are happiest when alone. I’m writing this article for the women who have settled for the single life after years of dating but have always desired marriage.

Here are the reasons why engaging in today’s dating culture is not going to get you a ring.

1. Online dating doesn’t work. It’s very limiting and takes a lot of time.

Let’s face it: a good quality man is hard to find. We’re talking about family oriented, working men who are reasonably attractive. If there were an equal number of quality men to women, more women would be married. Right now there are millions of online profiles, these are nothing short of personal ads promoting oneself. Beautiful pictures and perfect profile blurbs. “Mr Right needs to know exactly what he must bring to the table vs what I bring along as Mrs Right.” The truth is that it’s very time consuming to look through all the profiles and respond to everyone or even go on all the dates with men who you find reasonable. Because of this and all the likes and attention online dating provides women, women are overestimating their value in the dating pool.  We think there are more eligible bachelors truly interested than there really are.  Not all men online are marriage minded or even looking for a relationship.  Many women are investing their time with wrong short term minded men, incompatible men or men who are not looking at women as a long term partner.  What we need to realize is that there will be many window shoppers but only one buyer. If you set the expectation too high many will be curious as to what makes you a great value but won’t buy.  Set the bar too low and you’re overwhelmed with low quality options, while the best and highest quality match is searching elsewhere.  It’s about hitting that sweet spot.   I recommend dating people within your social circle or while you are at school.  Anywhere that will let you get a better read on someone’s reputation.

There’s also the issue of being catfished , misled, and lied to.  Profiles are limiting and short with people putting only their best foot forward.  How do you get to the real person without investing a significant amount of time meeting people?  You can’t.

2. Hookup dating culture has gotten out of control.

I’m sorry, in 100 years we’ve gone from a culture that severely frowned upon premarital sex to a culture where sex is on the table before a 4th date. Where “we’re talking” has replaced “going steady,” and “Netflix and chill” is code for hang out and sex. It’s all good and fun in your 20s, but suddenly in your 30s you hear your dad in your head saying, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” At least my dad would tell me that.  And why should a good quality man want to invest his life into you? Men can just open Tinder, send out 50 messages and pick up a girl before the end of the day without ever getting out their seat. We’ve made it too easy and too cheap. Apparently we haven’t realized that too much of a good thing is bad, even sex. The truth is women have so much more to offer than just sex. We are kind, compassionate, warm, intelligent and much more. Yet women are selling themselves short with just sex, why?

3. We’ve stopped asking men what they want.

To me this is the saddest part of today’s dating culture. Men don’t matter. Many good men are silently backing out of the dating scene because they just aren’t being included in the conversation. They’d rather be alone. Yes, men are allowed to have preferences. They are allowed to have wants and needs. They are just as much willing participators in any relationship they choose to take part in.  But women don’t want to hear it, we assume we are the complete package as is, that there is no room for improvement. That’s wrong. A good quality man wants a woman who can be a team player and not just put the brunt of the work on him. If he is a high earner, he might want a wife who can care for him and his future children, keep a home, (gasp) cook a meal, and maintain their looks or at least try and age gracefully. He might want this because he works 100+ hours a week and needs someone to be his other half.  Of course there are compromises everyone must make in a relationship.  But how many compromises will any one person make?  You might find this to be anti feminist, backwards and even misogynistic, but why should women have preferences while men can’t? The status quo required by women are that men at least work and hold a job. Women would prefer men to be handsome and maybe tall. We’d like them to hold doors and be a gentleman. We gossip that we want men that are good lovers and masculine. So why shouldn’t men be allowed preferences? Aside from the men having a field day on Tinder, a lot of quality men are just not finding the kind of women they want, are tired of looking and are opting out. For them, it is better to be alone than to be unhappily married to women who don’t get it.

4. Women are waiting too long.

Dating culture today tells us 30 is the new 20. That we can extent this dating phase past our teens and 20s and play the field into our 30s. Please stop with this jargon. That’s just not how female anatomy works, that phrase works for men, not for women. Because by 35, women have only a fraction of the fertility they would have had at 20. The issue is that many marriage minded men WANT children. Considering that it takes time to date and get to know someone, become engaged, plan a wedding and make a baby, many eligible men find it too impractical to date women in their thirties. From a a purely statistical standpoint, it would be easier to start dating a 25 year old and conceive at 30 than it would be to start dating a 30 year old and conceive at 35. Or even a 35 year old to conceive at 40.  Yes there are women who are conceiving at 40 but often it requires medical intervention to even conceive and is considered a riskier pregnancy.

Then there’s also the consideration that in your 20s there are more eligible men. When I was 20-26 I remember getting so much attention I just didn’t know what to do with it all. It was actually really flattering, but I always knew it wouldn’t stay.  Men were available in my age group and enough were unattached so I could find a partner easily. Men were just finishing college and starting jobs, if I had wanted someone more secure I could have also dated a little older. Getting interest wasn’t a big problem. At 29, I don’t really have that kind of attention, and I don’t miss it much. My job requires I put a lot of time and attention into my appearance but I’ll still never be prettier than I was at the age of 20-25. That’s just a reality. Nothing can quite take the place of youth. So why women aren’t searching for a partner seriously in those prime years is beyond me. These are your most beautiful, alluring, and innocently charming years! After 30 your age starts to show, the eligible bachelors have become jaded due to frustration or been scooped up, some are divorced with kids. And the hunt for a good quality man becomes more competitive because men your age are also looking at women 5-8 years your junior.

My issue is that the conversation that women are hearing from a young age is that:

1. Online dating makes it easier to meet people and find the “perfect” partner.

2. Hookup dating culture is OK, empowering and will get you what you want.

3. That preferences that a good quality man might have for a woman doesn’t matter as much as the preferences women have for men

4. That we can extend women’s dating life for decades. From her teens to her 30s.

This is just all around bad advice. And I don’t say this from my lofty pedestal of being already married. I’m saying this for my sisters and my friends who followed the whims of popular opinion and were short changed because of it. I’m saying this for the men that are opting out of the dating scene with frustration because the women they wanted in their 20s were just playing the field and keeping them as “friends.”

I write this with the warmest intentions. I want everyone to live an intentional fulfilled life and part of that is making choices EARLY that are right for your future. Not all women want marriage but SO MANY women do and they want children, some just find they’ve missed their boat for the right opportunity.

I hope you found this post useful on the state of dating and finding a good quality man. I know I’m writing some opinions that might stir the pot. Feel free to comment below and join in on the conversation.

If You Like “Why Dating Culture Doesn’t Work Towards Marriage” Check Out My Other Posts.

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