Why Men Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes

Why He Won't Commit & Relationship Mistakes
Why He Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes

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I always imagined that I would marry a man who was tall, dark and handsome, who was obsessed with me and adored me. It was a very immature kind of fantasy because relationships are complex and to expect your partner to always be available and tend to you hand and foot is actually kind of selfish. But that was what I believed for the longest. Little did I know that women everywhere were asking why men won’t commit and trying to solve their relationship mistakes.

What I did get was a husband who pulled his weight, loved our kids and one who shared his hobbies and interests with me. What more can I ask for, really? So far it seems, I already crossed the threshold of what a positive relationship is supposed to look like.

But every time I met up with my friends, I began to realize that my experience with my husband was not the norm. You see, a LOT of my friends were falling into the trap of not getting the commitment they wanted out of a relationship. And some of them weren’t getting the respect that they wanted either. And to be honest, I’ve been hearing this story over and over. It has me wondering WHY, why are all these men not committing? Has our generation really fallen off in terms of a traditional family? What relationship mistakes are we making? Does it have to do with age? What IS it?

I heard it over and over again, the same trope of my friends dating this guy for years and years, falling in love and then falling on their asses once the guy turns stale or when my friend breaks up with them because their partner can’t take the next step.

I was just at a bridal shower last weekend and I was the ONLY one already married. I’m 30. In fact, most the women there were single and most of them left wondering why men won’t commit.

Across from me at my table was Rachel, she was tall, slender with a great figure and pretty blue eyes with flawless skin. She couldn’t have been older than 26, so when she told me she was 31, my jaw dropped. She was also a self sufficient independent woman who started her career as a dentist.

Somehow we got into the conversation of her last relationship mistakes. She had been dating her ex boyfriend since she was 25. She told me that she was hesitant to continue the relationship without a proposal; he was moving to Michigan to continue his dentistry residency.

Despite her reservations, she paid all the licensing fees so she can move to Michigan and start her career there. And then she booked a one way ticket to be with her boyfriend.

Literally the week that she had to move, he TEXTED her and told her “I don’t see myself as being happy with you.”

Like, DAMN. He really just did that to her. My other friend Mariana shook her head and said “If that was me, I’d make him pay for all my expenses.”

This girl was seeing a therapist, that’s how devastated she was.

My older sister had a similar story to this, only her story involved her partner getting mixed up with cocaine and hookers.

What were these women doing wrong, what relationship mistakes were they making? Honestly…all they wanted was for someone to be by their side at the end of it all.

As I listened to their stories I just nodded in agreement. I’ve been there and done that with my Husband. He wasn’t easy to wrangle in either. But I did notice a sort of trend with the behavior of these women and I began to realize, even though what had happened to them was TERRIBLE, to some degree, they also played a role in how things transpired.

Here are my thoughts on why men don’t commit and some huge relationship mistakes women make:

1)He doesn’t owe you shit

I repeat HE DOESN’T OWE YOU SHIT. A lot of women kind of have it in their heads, if they bend over backwards for their man, if they show them that they are *special* and willing to do anything for their man, that the guy will see that. Then he’ll reward them for their hard work with his commitment, love and respect.

In an ideal world, yes, but this is the real world and in the real world when people get things for free or at a discount, they usually think nothing of it.

In fact, it’s his right to be able to leave a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without any repercussions. After all, this isn’t a MARRIAGE, you know, a binding social contract that could have huge ramifications if you break it.

So why Rachel thought that after 6 years she had any way of getting back her losses from her boyfriend was beyond me. Or why any of my friends at the bridal shower thought that.

A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is pretty much worth nothing. It’s all good and dandy in high school when in life isn’t serious but once you reach a certain age, ie. 23 and older, you need to set your mind on something that is more long term and stable. The main purpose is to vet someone to see if they are marriage worthy. This boyfriend/girlfriend vetting period now goes on for years, sometimes without any thought or discussion about what the next step might be.

So without marriage, the guy doesn’t owe you shit and you don’t owe him shit. So don’t expect marriage privileges in what is really a paper thin social arrangement.

2)Why would he change what he’s doing when he’s getting what he wants

Once Rachel said, “I didn’t want to move without an engagement..” and then proceeded to tell us how she made plans to move to Michigan without an engagement, that was enough to tell the whole story of what went wrong what relationship mistakes she made.

She was bending over backwards for him.

Now, a lot of women do this. They think “if I give, then I’ll get. I mean, it’s only fair..”

Wrong. If you give, you’ll keep on giving. Men are a bit different from women in this way. They have been raised from infancy to test their boundaries and to win. They’ve learned this mainly from sports and being around other boys.

There is absolutely no incentive for Rachel’s boyfriend to propose after getting her to move over there. And the fact that he broke up with her after she made plans for him like that, shows he didn’t think she would actually do it and he didn’t want her to make the move for him.

If Rachel was willing to make such a drastic change in her life without getting what she wanted, just imagine all the other ways she was compromising in her relationship without getting anything back.

In this situation, Rachel was settling and her boyfriend knew she was settling and no longer a challenge for him. In fact, he had no reason to change his behavior when he was getting exactly what he wanted. So of course men won’t commit!

3)You’re telling him what you’re worth

Your behavior tells him what you’re worth.

When a guy is ignoring you or yelling at you or cheating on you, and you do absolutely NOTHING about it other than maybe yell and scream at him, it tells him that you accept the behavior.

Look back to the beginning of your relationship when things were rosy and nice, and he was oh so respectful. You just yearn for that part of the relationship, don’t you?

Of course he was treating you nice and great during the honeymoon phase of the relationship; he didn’t know you that well yet. In his mind, you would leave him in disgust if you found out about his dark gambling addiction or if you found out he still had nudes of his ex on his phone. So he made sure to be on his best behavior and acted as the perfect boyfriend. This kept him on his toes.

But, as time went on, some of his bad behavior began to come out into the open and now he knows you know about them. But despite your reservations, he knows that you’re not going to do a goddamn thing. He’ll get the same nagging and annoying conversation he’s used to getting from his Mom about cleaning his room but now it’s his girlfriend with some other silly problem he can’t be bothered with. He’ll agree with you and with wave his hand to shoo you away while he promises to change.

And guess what?

He doesn’t change. Because you’ve already established that you will accept this but with additional negative nagging. And as a result, in his eyes, your worth has been lowered. You’re no longer someone he needs to impress or protect since you’ve already settled for his shit with little to no resistance.

4)You didn’t establish yourself as a valuable woman

A lot of women make the mistake of confusing their value with having good looks.

“If only I was prettier…he wouldn’t treat me this way.”

Honey, pretty girls, models etc. have their own set of boy troubles. They have very similar problems to you. And if a prettier girl was letting a guy treat her they way that you let your boyfriend treat you, trust me, she would have the same problems as you.

In reality, it’s your lack of boundaries that is permitting your issues in your relationship and causing men not to commit.

In addition to the nagging, yelling and crying, you’ve also let a whole bunch of things you normally enjoyed doing fly out the window because they inconvenienced your partner. These are huge relationship mistakes.

Women have a tendency to merge with their partner and start getting rid of things they enjoy or taking on their partner’s slack.

You might see your boyfriends apartment, messy and unorganized and feel the need to take care of his living space for him because he will value your “domestic skills” and his space drives you crazy. What you’re really doing is teaching him that you will be his personal maid rather than someone he needs to impress and clean up after himself for. And honestly, if your partner isn’t your husband, a person who’s made a huge commitment towards you, you shouldn’t be cleaning up after him. EVER. As my father always said, “Why buy the cow when the milk’s for free?” Why give wifey treatment when you’re not his wife?

He might critique a dress you’ve always loved wearing, saying it’s “too short.” So you stop wearing the dress because it gets too much male attention while you’re out with your partner and he gets insecure.

B*tch! What are you doing! You are definitely not establishing value by dressing down and changing your tastes because your boyfriend says so. In fact, you’re allowing your boyfriend to establish your value FOR YOU. This is probably one of the bigger relationship mistakes to make.

Overall, comparing yourself to other women, doing things for your partner he should be able to do for himself and letting him determine what you’re doing and wearing lowers your value in his eyes and that’s why men won’t commit. When you’re “under his thumb” there’s little incentive to put the extra effort with romantic gestures.

5)You didn’t walk away sooner

Breaking up is hard. No one ever wants to break up. The truth is that walking away can result in either him getting his stuff together and doing what it takes to keep you or letting you go because the relationship has met its true end.

Even when a relationship is totally expired, I’ve met some women who find it hard to let go of the partner they’ve come to lose respect for or even hate.

There’s the “sunk cost fallacy” type thinking. The belief you need to carry on because you’ve already invested too much in a relationship. The fear is that all the time and money put into it will fly out the window by leaving and that there is still hope you can still turn things around despite historic failures. Women need to let go of their “hopium” and check into reality and that is, if you aren’t getting what you want out of your relationship and you’ve communicated that more than once and there’s STILL no change, it’s time to cut loose.

Once it’s clear that the relationship will not be getting better, it’s time to take a proactive approach and stop wasting time.

If Rachel had only broken up with her boyfriend when she realized he had commitment problems, she wouldn’t have had to waste a full 7 years chasing a man she had no future with. And she would have been able to seek other opportunities in the time she had lost instead of wondering why men won’t commit.

But hindsight is usually 20/20.
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In today’s day and age, most men won’t commit. And finding one of those unicorn men who are respectful and commitment minded gets harder with each passing year. The most important thing is to take your time getting to know potential suitors, to set boundaries as issues come up and cut them loose as soon as it’s clear it’s not working out.

If I had to answer why men aren’t commiting to their partners, my answer would be that guys just aren’t incentivized to do so. We live in a culture where sex is free and easy. Where it’s available at the click of a button (porn and hookup apps) and where women are forced to compete with each other in this highly sexualized society. So women end up settling for less, taking bad behavior and turning a blind eye and not setting standards at all.

Change the culture, you’ll change society. Change society and you’ll change the minds and hearts of men. But for now, we need to set our standards higher that before, only then can we find our perfect partner.

If you like Why Men Won’t Commit & Relationship Mistakes, check out my other posts!

Single Vs Relationship: Which Is Better?

Why Dating Apps Suck

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You’re Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

Single Vs Relationship: Which Is Better?

Single vs Relationship: Good Relationship Advice
Single vs Relationship: Good Relationship Advice

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The grass is always greener on the other side. At least that’s how we always feel about it. When you’re single, you wish you were partnered up; when you’re partnered up you’re itching to be single. Why is that? Is it better to be single vs in a relationship?

A lot of people find themselves in this crossroad in life and wondering which option is better. For me, I was unknowingly a serial monogamist, always in a relationship or seeking one. But I’ve met other people who love their freedom when they’re single and are happier by their lonesome.

I’ve also been the person who felt like the grass was greener on the other side. If I was in a relationship, then I was keeping an eye out for a good reason to leave and be single. If I was single, I was looking to meet the perfect boyfriend. Honestly, this was actually very unhealthy thinking and behavior so THANK GOD I grew out of it.

So here are some good relationship advice on whether a relationship is right for you vs if the single life is your path. Of course there’s no easy answers but, for those on the fence, this list might help you make sense of it all:

Pros of Being Single

Complete Freedom

Being able to do anything you want is pretty nice. Wake up late, meet up with friends on a moments notice, spend your money as you wish. It’s actually pretty awesome. The level of independence single people have is like 100%, they don’t have to compromise a single thing.

My older sister has been single for a while and is honestly enjoying her life. She takes sailing lessons, travels to at least 3 different countries a year, drives an Audi and lives according to her terms. As far as I know, singledom doesn’t make her sad and she’s able to take things as they go.

No Drama

Not getting into arguments with your significant other is also a big plus. Relationships, no matter how good they are, can still be a source of drama. Long term relationships usually go through natural highs and lows. Going through a low point can result in arguments, fights and resentment. I’ve found that working through these problems resulted in a stronger relationship but hell! Those fights were so stressful. When you’re single, you don’t have to deal with any of it. Every day has the same emotional capacity and you don’t have to go through highs and lows to grow as a person and as a couple. Which, honestly, sometimes seems easier.

Freedom to date whoever you want!

Dating at times can be fun. The excitement of meeting someone new is freeing and totally unexpected. Will you meet the love of your life with this date or will you just have some company to chat with over wine? Either way, getting to know new potential partners can be fun. At least in the beginning. After a while, I heard it gets stale but there is always the freedom to take breaks from the dating scene. When you’re in a relationship, continuing dating is a huge no-no. Your kind of stuck dating the same person. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Not being in a bad relationship

Let’s be truthful here, not all relationships are good or healthy to be in. We’ve all heard of those horror stories of a friend living with a hateful or narcissistic partner and how impossible it was to manage or deal with them. In that situation, of course it’s so much better to be single. At times it can feel like dating and relationships are a crapshoot. Some people save themselves the hassle of bad, selfish partners by opting out and staying single and that is completely fine.

Pros of being In a relationship

There are some major pros to being in a relationship and some good relationship advice too!

Companionship

It’s easy to feel lonely when you come home to an empty apartment. Not having someone to share the details of your day can get tiresome. Of course you can fill your days with friends and hobbies but when you finally get home, you can only fill up so much time. Having that special someone to come home to can be such a relaxing feeling. It’s also good for your overall health and happiness.

The financial and emotional support of a partner

We live in a world where we’re told that the individual is what matters. And that we can get farther on our own. But I don’t believe that. Being able to share expenses with someone else is a huge benefit to having a partner. Having someone to vent to and cry on when you’re having a hard day is amazing. So for single people, they can rely on themselves but two incomes are usually better than one and having someone who truly understands you is so valuable.

Especially for women, it’s just a known fact that they earn less than men (even for the same level position)(not saying it’s right, just that this is how it is). Women who are able to find men who make a reasonable income (and marry them) are at an advantage financially, especially since sharing expenses leads to less cost per person.

A good relationship means you always have someone to do things with. A forever friend, in a way. Someone who will attend weddings with you as your plus 1, someone who will be able to go on vacation with you, someone to cheer you up when you’re down, and someone who’s always available for date night (even Netflix and Chill). Having that person in your life who can consistently do these things with you is pretty awesome, and in this way single people miss out.

Planning a family

It is way easier to plan for a family if you already have a steady partner. I would say 100% of people who want children, if they had a choice, would want to raise their children with two parents instead of a single parent household. When you’re in a positive relationship, it brings you closer to that goal of having the right situation to bring children into the world. For single people, their singledom kind of delays their ability to have children. First you need to start dating, find someone compatible that also wants children, date them for a while, then make the plan financially, emotionally, and logistically to have children. For a lot of my friends, the single life has cramped their hopes of having a child in the near future. But a lot of them are just smelling the roses and enjoying being the fun aunt or uncle.
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Overall, I can’t really say whether being single vs a relationship is better than the other. I have met a few people who just do better as a single person than they ever could in a relationship, and that’s OK. For the me, I always desired to be in a relationship and find my special someone even when I was in high school with no life experience to tell me how to be in a positive partnership. So that’s what’s worked for me. Either way you cut it, you have to know what you want and what you need for yourself.

I Hope You Liked “Single Vs Relationship: Which Is Better” Check Out My Other Posts On Relationships PlUS Good Relationship Advice!

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What is Love?

7 Signs That He’s A Fuckboy

7 Signs That He’s A Fuckboy

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Fuckboy. My personal definition is that a fuckboy is a guy who’s just fucking around with your feelings and is only interested in sex.

This is the millenial’s term for player, playboy, Casablanca, womanizer, etc. These types of men have been fooling women since the dawn of time with promises of sweet nothings and a trail of broken hearts in their wake.

I have no idea how these guys get so many women to fall for them and I have no idea why so many women find them attractive, but fuckboys seem to always be able to move on to the next one before we even had time to shed a tear.

I dated a fuckboy once, it was both the most terrible and most fun relationship I had ever had. Of course it ended in drama and flames but it was what it was in the end. Fuckboys never stay. I dated one because I was naive and foolishly thought I could change him. I mean, if he could change, he wouldn’t have been a fuckboy.

Here Are The Tell Tale Signs Of A Fuckboy

 

  • Has A Lot Of Women Who Are His Friends

They’re like a circle of hens but this is a huge red flag. Usually when you ask about them, he’ll tell you don’t worry, they’re just friends. Maybe they are, but with fuckboys, their next partner is usually just waiting in the wings for their chance. I don’t know what it is about them, but they always have a circle of female friends. The thing is that these ladies won’t be friends with each other, he and his friends will be the only link.

If you see him flirting, no, you’re not imagining it and you’re not being insecure and crazy.

  • Had A Lot Of Dating Experience

The guy I dated lost his virginity at 13. Like, what the hell! A lot of fuckboys start their dating experience early so that by the time most girls hit the dating market between 18-25, they already have a leg up on you in terms of experience. Ever notice that they already know what to say and do to get your trust and interest?

On top of that, they start early, but they never stay with one girl that long. The guy I was with claimed his longest relationship was 2 years but in the grand scheme of life, that’s not that long. That’s just long enough for the honeymoon phase to wear out. And he had lost count of his partners. That really should have been red flag number 2. If you’re 22 and lost count of your partner’s, there’s something REALLY wrong.

  • Love Bombs You

He’s obsessed with you in the beginning. Everything is amazing and you can’t believe you met a man who could treat you this good. Usually this is coupled with flattery and compliments. He’ll take you on exciting dates and get you gifts. He might say things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you before” or even use the “L” word to get you to fall in love with him.

This part of dating a fuckboy is the most addictive. Like a heroin addict chasing the first high, you’ll keep looking for the treatment he gave you in the beginning.

  • Hot And Cold

Which brings me to my next point, you’ll find the periods of cold shoulder unbearable.

Why doesn’t he text me like he used to?

Why is he suddenly being secretive with his phone?

I feel like he’s distant…

What can I do to fix this?

These are the thoughts that will race through your mind as your fuckboy starts to make his way out to “greener pastures.”

If you’re lucky, his behavior might get hot again to dates that involve 3am booty calls or dates that are exclusively spent on your dime.

  • All His Guy Friends Are Single And Fuckboys Or Fuckboy Wannabes

Like attracts like and a mega fuckboy is very likely followed by other fuckboys or fuckboy wannabes.

These other guys are going to be approving of your fuckboy’s bad behavior, thus keeping him from being the good partner you wish he was.

The wannabes aren’t nearly as bad and might even make for a good shoulder to cry on when your fuckboy fucks you over. But these guys live by the “bros before hoes” mindset so I wouldn’t count on it. They’re more likely to cover for him while he’s out picking up other girls and you’re at home waiting for his text.

  • Loves To Club And Party

Your fuckboy and his fuckboy posse are definitely club lovers. That’s honestly probably where you met him in the first place. They’re a lot of fun to party with but the party doesn’t stop just because he started dating you. Chances are you’ll need to keep up with his party party lifestyle every day of the week or be concerned about the other ladies he could be meeting without your watchful eye.

When you tell him you don’t like when he goes to clubs without you, he’ll turn it on you and call you controlling.

If you’re a gal looking for the fuckboy experience, look no further than your local club. The nightclubs are teeming with them.

  • Is Into Status Symbols

I never met a fuckboy that didn’t wear heavy cologne, drive a car he couldn’t afford and drop all his money into brand name shoes, belts, clothes and sunglasses.

I guess that’s one of the things that attracts women to them. Women love a man who can dress and presents himself as someone successful. The fuckboy is not without a high view of himself and is very capable of giving off a false impression of success by surrounding himself with status symbols.

Most likely he views his sexual conquests as status symbols also. The fuckboy, lacking any self confidence or self-awareness, seeks outward symbols of value that he attaches to his own self worth. He’s constantly looking to hook up with the hottest girls because it makes him feel like he’s hot. And if you can’t fill his this role of being his human status symbol, don’t expect him to stick around.

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These fuckboys are just playing games and aren’t worth the hassle of a broken heart. These tips are from every fuckboy I met and dated.

Changing a fuckboy into a man is impossible, many women have tried but his final destination is bachelorhood with a dog to keep him company.

So my advice to all the women out there reading this is to drop those fuckboys. If you’re reading this and thinking, “y’know what, this sounds like __________. This sounds exactly like him,” then drop him!

Trust me, save yourself the heartache and find yourself a quality man for long term commitment.

 

Check Out My Other Relationship Posts!

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

What It’s Like to Marry Your Soulmate

Why Dating Apps Suck

My Favorite Dating Book: Why Men Love Bitches

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You

I Married A Gambler

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My mother was always wary of gambling. As far as I knew, my father never gambled much. He liked blackjack but he could always enter a casino with a set amount of money that he would allow himself to lose and be able to walk out before he went over his limit. That number he had in his mind was never more than $200 and he didn’t gamble often. Besides, my mother hated when he gambled, it reminded her of her childhood and of her deadbeat father who gambled everything on mahjong. I wasn’t around gambling much as a child.

So when my husband lost $500 on a poker game, I didn’t think much of it. It was his hobby, something that helped him relax. Little did I know that I was inadvertently enabling him.

My Husband, we’ll call him K, is a good poker player. He gained interest in it from his Uncle who had run some illegal poker rings in the city and did some time for it. He started playing with his friends and when his friends stopped playing with him because he was taking all their money, he moved on to the casinos.

And he had a lot of beginners luck. He made $10K and paid off his student loans with that. He was a good player and he swore that it was a game of skill so, to me, I never saw it as a gambling problem.

But that how gambling problems start…

K would ask if he could take a trip to the city underground clubs or the casino when I went away and visited my parents for the weekend. I didn’t mind because he was asking me and he was still winning occasionally; it was a shared financial decision. If he lost, he lost. If he won, then even better. The truth is, I was also gambling. I was gambling on him to win.

And we did this for years, even though my job would fluctuate in income because I worked on commission and we still had debt to pay off and a small child to take care of. I knew we were being financially irresponsible so I started to make a tight budget to get things under control and I started looking in depth at our bank statements.

“K why did you take out $300 from our checking on this date and why did you take out another $300 two weeks before? What are you doing with this money?” My voice was soft and nervous about the answer. I mean we needed that money, it was winter and the slow season for commissions.

“Oh I owed my dad some money and I used the other $300 for a little spending here and there.”

“I didn’t know you owed your dad money… Please just let me know beforehand because I wasn’t expecting this expense.” $300 for money here and there seemed like a lot but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

A few months passed from that incident and I didn’t think much of it until I saw another large debit from our checking only a month later. This time $400!

“K, what are you spending this money on! You spent nearly 1/2 of this commission that I made. I wanted to buy X, Y and Z and now I can’t because we can’t afford it.”

He lowered his head in shame and spilled it. He had been gambling behind my back for the past couple of

months. Instead of seeing a movie, he was going to the club in the city. Instead of taking a trip with me to see my parents, he stayed behind to “clean the apartment,” but was really taking a trip to the local casino to play poker.”

“But if you could only see the hand I lost on! Statistically I should have won any other time. He just caught a lucky card on the river!”

I could feel my blood start to simmer with rage. He had spent over $1000 behind my back over these three months. Here we were, we agreed to get our debt down and cut down spending and he was just dropping money down the drain at the casino. I was the only one sacrificing by cutting down my trips to Starbucks and holding off on buying new work clothes. And worst of all he was lying to me about it.

I never felt more resentful.

And that was our cycle for the next couple of years. Months would pass by with us saving and then a charge would pop up mysteriously for $200, $300 or $500. It was always just what we could afford to lose but it kept us from saving. On days I found out of his secret gambling, we’d fight viciously. Then he’d promise never to do it again or try to rationalize a reason why he would win next time. Then he would stop going to play poker for a few months until he got the itch and this cycle would start again.

It was toxic.

Still, K was a smooth talker and managed to talk me into a trip to Las Vegas one year.

“It’ll be fun, we won’t even gamble that much. We can do shows, go to clubs and walk the strip.” He knew I liked clubbing.

“Ok, but we should just go with a set amount of money to gamble with and leave our debit cards at home.”

“I don’t want to be stranded without our debit cards in case of an emergency,” he said, “we’ll be responsible” he assured me.

We spent $2500 on gambling during our 4 day trip to Las Vegas.

This time I was out of control too and got sucked into blackjack and slots.

I was so angry at both of us, it ruined our trip. I never wanted either of us to gamble again. Everything good about our trip was overshadowed by our ridiculous spending.

Later that year, his gambling got worst. He discovered online poker and dumped $20-100 a week into that and hid his trips to the casino where he was losing $200-500 per visit. Every time I would go through our statements, it was in fear of what I might find. I was tired of fighting and of feeling like I was getting nowhere. I kept trying to make up his losses by working harder but it was still money being lost. The fights were terrible. I’d scream at him and call him a loser. We were starting to fight in front of our daughter to the point where she would try to break up the fight or start crying.

One day K suggests that he can do the budgeting. “It stressed you out too much and I can see where the money is going and can help out.”

At this point he had swore he would never gamble again and had gone 6 months without an incident. I really wanted to believe he was under control. So I let him do the accounting for two months.

It wasn’t long before I realized he wasn’t doing it; I got an email saying we missed a credit card payment.

I think I knew what I would find, but I really didn’t want to find it or even believe it. But there it was, back before he offered to handle the budgeting was a $1500 debit on our checking account. This would be the most he has ever lost in a single day. He was taking his gambling up another level. And his whole reason for wanting to take up the budgeting was to hide his gambling again.

“What’s this charge for $1500?” I asked my husband as he walked in from a grocery run. I already knew the answer.

His composure just slumped in on itself and he lowered his head in shame. My head was spinning. I could barely hear him as went through his usual excuses…”I didn’t mean to spend that much,” I was playing so well, but it was just one hand that went south and ruined it for me,” “You don’t even know how much this makes me feel like shit,” “I’m such a loser.”

He was good at gaining sympathy. But this time it was so clear to me. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t see it before. Maybe I didn’t want to believe it.

K was sick. He had a gambling addiction and, through my own denial, I enabled him.

$1500 dollars. That was 1 months rent, that was a commission that I was lucky to get if a client closed after 2 weeks of work, that was 4 months of groceries or a year of gas. This time I wasn’t going to let it go. I closed my eyes and saw myself at 40 years old with a deadbeat husband who had spent $100K in gambling during their marriage. I envisioned myself as a 40 year old preparing for divorce.

I wasn’t going to hide the problem and pretend it was just between us. I wasn’t going to make up the money. I wasn’t going to make him promise to pay it back. (Which he never did).

So I called his mother.

And I told her everything, that this was the end of the road. That I couldn’t be married to a gambler and he had lost $15K during the course of our marriage so far. He needed help. He needed to go to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and see a therapist.

I was angry for a long time. I made him sleep on the couch for two months. I cried randomly by myself. I wouldn’t talk to him or look at him. I couldn’t trust him.

His parents had an intervention and expressed their disappointment and concern. They didn’t want to see our family fall apart.

After that, he made a commitment to go to GA meetings. I took away his debit card and put him on a cash only system. He had to provide receipts for everything he bought. I made him change his number because the casinos and poker clubs would text him “buy in deals” to tempt him. I cancelled anything that reminded him of poker. And he agreed.

It’s been a year and he hasn’t gambled. Today he called me and told me he went to a GA meeting for support. He felt tempted because he had some spare cash from his birthday he felt he could spend. But instead he went to the meeting. I’m proud he’s able to still admit his weaknesses and work to correct them.

I feel lucky most days, so far he’s overcome this demon that haunted our lives for so many years. I can’t deny the role I played in enabling him either. I know it could have gotten worst and that there are some women who learn too late that they’re losing everything to gambling.

If you know someone afflicted with gambling addiction please don’t be afraid to confront them or intervene. The contact for the National Gambling Helpline is:

Call 1-800-522-4700

Chat ncpgambling.org/chat

Text 1-800-522-4700

Sending my thoughts to the men, women and families dealing with this mental illness and obsession.

Even though my husband has been gamble free for a year, I can’t forget that he’s capable of it. And I have to forgive him for the money he’s lost. For my sake and his, all I can do it support and love him through his gamble free journey.

What It’s Like to Marry Your Soulmate

I’m thirty, and I’ve known my husband since I was 18. He’s the love of my life and my soulmate.

We had met the third day of our freshman year in college. My husband (K) had been in orientation with my roommate, and he invited us out to hit the city and go to this place that allowed japanese sake for the underage college crowd. Of course, I decided I wanted to wear these new pointy toed shoes that I’ve never worn before. I think I bought them from some discount fashion store. Well, halfway through the night, my feet are blistering at the heel and the shoes are feeling too small. K offered to give me a piggyback ride after all my suffering and complaining. I thought it was so sweet and from that moment on we were inseparable.

How do I know my husband is my soulmate?

Now that I’m trying to put this in writing I realize it’s hard to conceptualize but I just can’t imagine my life without him. And if I did have to live without him, I’d probably live alone because, in my heart and soul, I know there’s no one else who will love me like he does. Our relationship is special and not a day goes by that I don’t feel grateful for it.

This is what our relationship is like:

Sometimes we fight

But not very often. We both have flaws but the problem is we’re both comfortable living with our flaws. When we fight, it’s always one of us calling each other out for piss poor behavior. Even our fights I can appreciate because it helps us grow and get over the habits that hold us back. Without the love of my life, I would be stagnant.

Some people fight on the regular, constantly tearing each other apart for being themselves. It’s amazing for me to be with my soulmate who appreciates me for who I am but also calls me out when I’m being crappy.

We end every phone conversation with “Love you.”

This sounds really sappy but we still let each other know that we love one another. It’s so easy to fall into a routine and forget to show affection. We can’t be apart even a day without checking in on each other, seeing how each other’s day went and saying “Love you.” Just hearing someone reaffirm those words to you can change your whole mood and make your day better.

I can see our future of bad times and I’m not scared

The honeymoon phases is said to be the best period in a relationship, when everything is new, exciting and overly romantic. But for K and I, that period came and went a long time ago. Now we’re a couple caught in the routine of life and day to day errands.

The material aspect of our lives doesn’t matter as long as we have each other. We lived with nothing when we were 23-26 and yet I look back at that challenging time with love because even though things were hard we still found ways to have a good time.

Looking forward, I see us getting older, dealing with elderly and sick parents, watching our kids grow up and move out, and our own health scares. All these things are inevitable and sure to happen. And though they’re not necessarily happy things, I’m ok with it because we’ll go through it together.

We still have moments of laughter

You would think that after 12 years we’d run out of things to talk about, let alone laugh about, but we haven’t. Maybe K is just a funny guy but I know for a fact I’m not particularly funny, yet he finds things to laugh about with me. It’s nice. I personally think laughter is the glue that holds relationships together. Once you stop laughing, a relationship just starts to die. He still cracks jokes and I’ll poke fun at both of us.

The moments I remember more than anything are the happy and fun ones, the arguments and challenging times just fade away in my memory.

It’s not just sexual

After 12 years, sex is a little more routine. We have two kids and we have to find time when they’re either away or asleep to get it in and be intimate together. We also know exactly what the other person likes and aren’t selfish in our intimacy. There’s no beating around the bush or floundering to figure out what turns the each other on.

But sex isn’t the foundation of our relationship. So many relationships are based mainly on sex and what the other person has to offer sexually. The reality is that, in a long-term relationship or marriage, sex will wax and wane. Sometimes one person will be going through some stuff and not have much of a libido. Things like illnesses, work issues, family problems, pregnancy and a new child can affect libido. People who base their whole relationship on sex will see their relationship fall apart at the first hurdle.

As my soulmate, my husband doesn’t guilt trip me if there’s a dip in intimacy. Thankfully, he’s understanding. I don’t have to constantly worry that if I can’t have sex he’ll go somewhere else. Our relationship is based on much more than that.

We have things we love to do together

I’ve never understood why people stay together when they can’t find shared interests. To be honest, both K and my interests have changed over the years but we’ve always been able to share something together. Like a favorite show or a restaurant that we love. He entertains my fondness for street carnivals and visiting the rinky-dinky summer carnivals that visit our town. His interests seem to change like the flavor of the week but I’m good at being curious about them. It’s great to have something to bond over and share memories with. These memories will last a lifetime.

I feel at peace

Most of all, I feel a sense of comfort with my soulmate. Having someone who completely understands me is such a blessing. I don’t have to explain myself constantly, he already knows and understands my motivations. I know he’ll always have my back and that I’m not left to face this world alone. Everything we do, we do as a team, not as adversaries trying to one up one another. And I don’t have a sense of insecurity in my relationship because of everything we’ve been through and had to overcome. K is the love of my life and knowing that he will always be there for me has given me an immense sense of peace.

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Overall our relationship has been through a lot. There have been ups and downs along the way and we’ve changed as individuals over the years. Meeting your soulmate doesn’t mean everything will be happy all the time, it does mean that they’ll be able to appreciate all that you offer and be able to complement you as a person. I would describe our relationship as a ying and yang dynamic and I know I’m blessed to be in such a harmonious relationship with the person I love.

I don’t know if there are multiple opportunities to meet your soulmate or whether are multiple people you can be soulmates with. But when you do meet that person, it would be a mistake to let them pass you by. For me, meeting the love of my life was a once in a lifetime experience and a life changing one too.

Check out my other posts!

What is Love?

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

How To Get A Guy To Commit Without Pressure And Fall In Love With You