Should I lease or buy a car? To finance or lease….that is the question. This is probably the hardest, most basic thing to understand as an adult. Honestly, until recently, I never understood the difference between the two, the benefits or pitfalls. I also didn’t realize how much of a depreciating value a car has. That is, until I fell into the pitfalls myself and had to dig my way out of it. I wish I knew some first time buyer tips so I could have made an educated decision.
Surprisingly neither college nor high school prepared me for these kind of basic and normal financial decisions like should I lease or buy a car. Kind of crazy, right? We’re expected to just know these things when we go to the car salesperson, and if they fail to disclose all the pros and cons then we’re sh*t out of luck when things turn out pricier than we expect. As a teen, I never thought about my parents car payments or what it meant to finance something. A lease didn’t seem like a huge commitment. And since it was on my parents dime, a car really didn’t have a major cost to me.
But oh, did I learn…..
Here is what I learned for my first time car buyer tips :
A car is a forever depreciating asset. It will RARELY ever gain value and only if it’s a collectible. There will always be a cost associated with owning a car whether it’s leasing a new car, financing a new car or maintaining an old car. How much in cost can vary between those three typical options.
What most people want to do is minimize their cost for owning a car as well as the maintenance while still holding value.
When my husband and I got our first car, my father in law insisted that we lease. He had leased 2 of his cars and he and his wife had a total of 4 cars, each with light usage.
So we thought, his dad has a lot of experience and leasing works for him, it should work for us. We were WRONG!
Leasing did not work for us, at the end of the lease we owed $3K in overmileage fees! I knew it was coming but it didn’t make it less painful.
Leases have a set # of mileage that they allow for in the lease term. We signed up for a 36,000 3 year term lease which was a 12,000 per year allotment. This is standard. The issue was that this was our ONLY car, my husband drove this car to and from work every day and then we’d also use it for weekend errands. He didn’t work close either. It takes him an hour to drive to work in NY traffic so the mileage added up. We literally hit our mileage limit around 1.5 years into the lease. Here’s one of my favorite first time buyer tips, don’t sign for a lease until you have researched how far you need to go to work.
What made the lease attractive to us at the time was the low monthly payments. Our lease payments were $220 a month. (Don’t judge me, everything in NY area is stupid expensive including car leases). Financing would have been $400 a month, a price that was a stretch for us. Leases tend to be cheaper than financing.
So short term, the monthly payments were great, but in the end it cost us nearly as much as financing would have anyway.
At the end of the lease the dealership gave us the option to buy the car. This price was negotiated when we initially signed the lease, believing that we were able to keep under the miles restriction. So MSRP was $19,500, the negotiated rate after the lease expired was $13,850. So what we had was a 2017 Honda Civic with 55,000 miles on it. At that point it wasn’t even worth the $13,850 that we would have had to FINANCE at 6.9% APR!
I wouldn’t finance a house at that rate, let alone a car.
So leasing didn’t work for us because we drove it too much. I could definitely see leasing as a practical option for people that don’t drive very far on the regular basis and want to have a nice car for low cost.
People that constantly lease are able to get the best technology, the coolest specs, and the sleekest finishes. Since cars lose the most value in the first 3 years, leasers are able to enjoy the newness of the vehicle without the commitment or cost.
When our lease ended, we considered re-leasing but after our whole over mileage situation I realized it just didn’t make sense. Like I mentioned, they did offer to allow us to to buy out the car but the deal made no sense. With all the initial lease payments, the $13,850 buyout option and the 6.9% APR over the 6 year payment period, overall costs were expected to be closer to $27,000 for what was a severely depreciating asset that had an MSRP of $19,500.
Financing the car we leased seemed like a mistake. So we shopped around at another dealership. For us, it was really utttimportant to get a reasonable deal. We were already $3000 in the hole because of this huhthe over mileage.
We opted for a $22,500 u and hdue to great credit we were able to get a 2.9% APR rate. That’s over 1/2 hthe rate for the lease buyout option! It made more sense to finance a new car with little to huno mileage. The payments are going to be $500 for 5 years. At the end of the 5 uh we expect the car to have some value left. Our hope is that the car will still be well runningu so we can keep it after the payments are done. The 2.9% APR also saves us severauso getting a 5 year, 100K mile warranty on the car so at least then we had a good sense of what the maintenance cost would be at least for the first couple of years.
Long term, financing the new car seemed like a better deal than trying to salvage our 3 year old car by buying it out.
Leaving A Lease And Getting A Totally Different Brand Of Car
We could have considered paying out the end lease fees and overmileage and going with a different car brand other than Honda. But we were sure they wouldn’t be able to waive any of the fees or over mileage and I was concerned that when it came to the maintenance work that needed to be done that we would be over charged for damages.
For us, this option didn’t make sense since we already owed Honda $3000 in over mileage. I mean, the car was in OK shape, but had some dings courtesy of my husband. Those costs would have to come out of pocket now. We estimated total lease end costs to be $4000-5000 depending on what they found in the inspection. Then we’d have to go to another dealership, put down $2000-$4000 down to finance elsewhere. Negotiating in our position was only going to take us so far.
Leaving a lease and getting a totally different car brand seemed too costly for us because it would be a LOT of money up front.
Also staying brand loyal to Honda meant that certain things could be waived like the $900 lease end fee, some of the mileage (we got $400 back), and the upfront payment. We were also able to roll over the $3000 over mileage charges into the finance deal so it wasn’t going to be such a large up front payment.
As you can tell the $3000 over mileage really screwed us over and kept us from being able to take advantage of other options.
Best case scenario.
Personally I believe the best way to buy a car is to buy a used car all cash with no financing. Financing is a huge waste of money because you’re essentially paying interest on a DEPRECIATING ASSET over time at the same price for when it was new and full value.
The issue is that not everyone has a good chunk of cash (more than $10,000) to put down at once. It’s literally probably the best option out there for car owners but, honestly, hard to attain. Most people just don’t have that kind of liquidity and end up just financing out of the necessity of their transportation needs.
So should you or I lease or buy a car? Overall, the car buying experience is very personal and for most people it’s quite pricey. A majority of Americans actually never buy off of a new car dealership, that’s how much of a luxury a new car is. I do feel lucky to be able to share this experience and my findings as someone who had NO IDEA what car buying entailed.
For my Husband and I, we started off on the wrong foot with getting a lease but at least moving forward we’re able to understand the significance of our purchase, how cars can add to your transportation costs, the value we’re getting, and the financial effects of our our decisions. Hopefully these first time car buyer tips keep you from making some of the same mistakes I did.
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This is probably one of the hardest relationship topics I’ve ever tried to discuss. And this is the longest post I’ve ever written. It’s difficult mainly because boundaries are a very conceptual topic. What boundaries you might have someone else might not have, your boundaries might change with time or you might have a boundary you don’t even know about until it’s crossed. Learning how to set boundaries with men is not an easy task especially when we’ve been conditioned to give, give, give to our partners. In this post, I’m going to give you examples of healthy boundaries in relationships.
This post is really going to help you:
Understand why boundaries are necessary;
Identify what boundaries you have;
Identify moments when your boundaries are crossed; and
Understand the common ways boundaries are crossed and how to combat disrespectful behavior.
Why Learning How To Set Boundaries With Men Is Necessary
As women, we’ve been taught to give ourselves totally to our partners and hold nothing back. I don’t know if it’s from watching too many Disney movies or bad parenting advice to “play nice and share,” but women these days are finding themselves feeling lost, used, and walked all over in their dating lives.
You can go on any relationship forum and find constant posts on “Am I being used?” “I told him to stop doing this but he keeps doing X,Y,Z.” “My partner is doing X, am I overreacting?” These are posts about boundaries that were crossed. More often than not, these women “gave in” to the poor behavior and now are concerned about the state of their relationship and left feeling disrespected.
In the end of the day, learning how to set boundaries with men is not about CONTROL but about maintaining your own self esteem, mental health and self respect.
For this benefit ALONE we need to establish boundaries. Because we all have felt that small sick feeling in the pit of our stomachs when a boundary has been pushed or cast aside and we didn’t give ourselves the chance to speak up.
Learning how to set boundaries with men is important whether you’re just dating casually or already married. Setting boundaries early will strengthen your relationships and take the guess work and miscommunication out of any encounter.
How to identify what boundaries you have:
Determining what boundaries we already have is the first step in being able to set them properly. A lot of times when I ask my friends where they see their relationships going or what they want out of their dating experiences I get, “oh, I don’t know, I just want to see where things go,” or “I’m just seeing my options, not decided on anything yet.”
This sort of wishy-washy mindset comes from the hopeful positive belief that if you keep things open, anything can happen. And that’s right, ANYTHING will happen and not necessarily things you wanted or expected.
Example) Jill has been dating Tom casually, she decided to keep things open and wasn’t ready to demand commitment. She was seeing him and a few other guys but she is sexually active with Tom only. After a sexual encounter with Tom, she notices that she’s getting pimples around her mouth and her genitals. At the Doctor’s office, it’s confirmed Tom gave her Herpes Virus 1 and she’ll be getting cold sores the rest of her life. She confronts Tom and finds out he’s also been dating around, a lot. This wasn’t what she wanted out of her open dating experience, but this was the result. (This actually happened to someone I know).
Terrible story, but life doesn’t play favorites and messed up things happen in the dating world all the time.
The key to establishing boundaries is to really THINK what you want out of any encounter, what you want out of your relationships, then determine your dealbreakers. These dealbreakers need to have consequences you stick with. Another essential part is to VOCALIZE your boundaries and ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE CROSSED. Hell needs to be raised when a boundary is crossed.
Jill later decided she was done with these open relationships. She decided that saying no to the forever talking phase was a boundary she needed to set. She knew she was still a catch so she decided to only have sex AFTER she secured commitment first. A lot of men walked away after hearing her demands but one man stayed and took the time to date her properly. She married him 3 years later.
So thinking through what your values are, what you will and will not accept from a potential partner or the partner you already have, and then vocalizing + committing to creating consequences for poor behavior are how you identify and set boundaries.
How to identify when you’re boundaries are crossed
Sometimes we’re presented with a situation that is ambiguous. We’re not sure if we’re being disrespected or not.
There are are two ways that a boundary can be crossed and here are examples of non healthy boundaries in relationships
1) Someone violates what you’ve already expressed as something you didn’t like or felt comfortable with. Example: Jens boyfriend is always late to dates, even though she’s expressly told him she hates it.
2) Someone, through manipulation, misinformation, deceit and lies, gets you to step outside of what you would normally do otherwise if you had all the information. Ex: John tells his girlfriend Megan he’s meeting a friend for drinks at a local bar to catch up. In reality, he’s meeting at a bar where he knows his ex girlfriend works and the bar is having a girls night promotion. Megan finds out when another buddy tags him in pics accidentally. Megan would have said she was uncomfortable if she knew the whole truth upfront, but now John’s backpedaling and calling her controlling and jealous.
Sometimes when boundaries are crossed it happens unexpectedly and is more like someone line stepping to test the waters of how far they can go. In these situations, YOU MUST TRUST YOUR GUT. Logic will tell you that you don’t have all the information and that you shouldn’t react without being 100% sure of the situation. If your intuition is screaming out to you, most importantly LISTEN, then work to flush out the truth.
I’ve never regretted listening to my intuition. I have, however, deeply regretted not listening. Side with your intuition, ALWAYS.
Common ways boundaries are crossed and how to combat them.
1)Rudeness and Negging
Negging is a red pill phrase coined by pick up artists to give women backhanded insults and slights disguised as banter or flirting. Enough of these and your self esteem will start to tank.
I once dated a guy that insisted to find out my “celebrity fantasy.” He swore that everyone had a celebrity fantasy of someone they wanted to date and pushed me to tell him, but I honestly didn’t have a real answer for him. He then proceeded to tell me his fantasy was Jessica Alba. I don’t look anything like Jessica Alba and it kinda left a sour taste in my mouth like Is that what I need to look like for this guy to be attracted to me? Of course it didn’t work out but I was left feeling pretty low about myself after dating that guy.
This kind of behavior is just rude. You’ll really need to learn how to set boundaries with rude men. This and other types of rude behavior should not be tolerated. Things like lateness, excessive cheapness, inconsiderate behavior, pushiness, rude unnecessary pet names, and the like should not be tolerated.
How to combat?
Here is just one of the examples of healthy boundaries in relationships. You keep it simple and say something along the lines of, “Excuse me, but that was rude. I don’t like that.”
He’ll reply. “Why?” (A lot of times they know why, they just play dumb).
Be firm. “I shouldn’t have to explain myself but here’s why [insert why his behavior is rude]
If he tries to justify his behavior and minimize your feelings, it’s time to move on and stop dating him. Because some men don’t care if they’re rude or are hurting their partners feelings. And chances are that that’s not going to change. The dating phase is the BEST behavior he has to offer, so if rudeness is happening on the regular it’s time to stop seeing him.
If he tries to see your point of view and apologizes, it’s worth continuing to date him but keep an eye out for other rude behavior and incompatibilities.
2)Unintentional boundary crossing
Sometimes the guy has no clue that he’s stepping over your boundaries and he genuinely has good intentions in mind.
Ex: Jen has been dating Dan for a few months and things have been going well. It’s her birthday and he wants to be generous and take her to a nice surprise dinner. She gets all dressed up and is horrified to find out he planned a dinner at the World Trade Observatory 100+ floors above New York City. She never told Dan that she is terrified of heights. She knows she could not enjoy this dinner, but they’re already there.
How to combat? Nobody’s really in the wrong.
She should tell him that she really appreciates the gesture but would be happy to eat anywhere else. She should outright explain her fear of heights and why she wouldn’t enjoy this dinner.
At the end of the day a boundary is a boundary and if she continued her dinner, terrified, afraid and acting all weird, it could be misunderstood as ingratitude. Or she might get away with it and he’ll keep taking her to places that have high altitudes.
A high quality man will want his partner to have a good time and go somewhere else, even if it didn’t work out the way he planned.
A low quality man will push through her boundaries and try to minimize her fears b because he wants to eat there and enjoy the fantastic dinner that he had in mind FOR HIMSELF.
If you want to learn how to set boundaries with men when the boundary crossing is unintentional, the key here to to communicate these boundaries and be understanding of the situation. But also be firm in what you need.
Inappropriate behavior within a monogamous relationship
Whether you’ve just started going steady and have been married for years, it’s important to maintain your personal boundaries and self respect.
In long term relationships there’s always room for deceit and dishonesty. The hardest part of being in a relationship and dealing with issues is that it’s difficult to tell when to work on things or just cut your losses and leave. Nobody wants to put in months or years of emotional work and have to cut off what you’ve built, but at times that can be necessary.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO IS TO REALLY KNOW AND UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER BEFORE CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED. Once children are involved, it’s much harder for your partner to feel motivated to change their behavior since children serve as a sort of anchor that keeps relationships together. Too many people stay together for the kids.
Here is a list of behavior that I would consider unacceptable. If you find yourself combatting these issues it’s best to nip them in the bud by standing your ground and raising hell over it to correct the behavior or LEAVING. Once you let this behavior slip with a pat on the wrist, it becomes more acceptable and harder to change.
-Cheating of any kind. Emotional or physical
-Complete laziness with housework
-Lack of job or financial contribution whatsoever
-Physical abuse- hitting, forced sex, slapping, unwanted touching, etc.
-Emotional abuse: name calling, ignoring, bullying etc.
-Porn addiction: once porn takes the place of actual sex, it’s an addiction.
This is an inexhaustive list but, for most women, these are the biggest deal breakers. To establish strong boundaries for these examples the consequences should be severe.
Not Severe: “If you keep going like this, I’ll leave”
Severe: “I DO NOT LIKE SAID BEHAVIOR. If I ever see you do this again, I will pack my bags, move out and change my number.” This is one of the better examples of healthy boundaries in relationships.
The first response is an ultimatum and a vague one at that. The second response is firm and specific of what will happen. It’s essential to always do what you say you’ll do, that way actions with consequences hold a lot more weight.
At the end of the day, WE are responsible for what we allow into our lives.
4)How To Set Sexual Boundaries With Men
We live in a world where sex is free. No strings attached relationships and FWB make it so easy for men to have sex with with little or nothing to offer!
In my opinion sex is probably the most intimate physical act you can do with someone. (It shouldn’t be like shaking hands!). And it requires trust and vulnerability.
I’ve heard sooooo many stories from women who thought they would be having an enjoyable sexual encounter but end up being touched in places they didn’t want to be touched, pressured into acts they didn’t want to do, pressured to go without protection or realizing during sex that the condom was removed, degraded or insulted during sex, or outright assaulted while they sleep!
I’m not saying all men are like this (most are not) but if you don’t know the person, how can you be sure that this won’t be you?
Now before I proceed on how to combat this type of behavior and avoid it at any cost, I am in no way blaming women for having endured this. All men should have the common sense and human decency not to engage in this kind of behavior and are 100% at fault if they do. However, women need to be aware that the fun encounter they signed up for can EASILY turn left and they need the tools in how to handle them safely.
I advocate against drinking on dates. If you drink it should be no more than 1 drink an hour. Maintaining personal boundaries becomes much harder when intoxicated and 9 times out of 10, these one night stands are happening after a drunken rampage. If you can’t be expected to drive a car while drunk, something you do with ease on a daily basis, how can you be expected to make other responsible decisions…decisions you won’t regret.
If you do have sex and any of the following happens to you:
-being touched in places you don’t want to be touched
-pressured into acts you don’t want to do,
-pressured to go without protection or
-realizing during sex that the condom was removed,
-degraded or insulted during sex, or
-outright assaulted while you sleep
END THE ENCOUNTER AND LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
I don’t care if he’s about to bust and seems like he’s enjoying it. I don’t care if he pouts and sulks over it. Tell him outright, you cannot continue sex because he disrespected you. Tell him to get off and put his pants on. Be angry about it so he knows it’s not sex play.
And trust me it will be the most awkward, awful sex he has ever had. But he will never forget that he crossed a boundary and that it gave him the bluest balls ever! And if you choose to see him again (I wouldn’t) the chances that he would try that maneuver again on you will be greatly diminished.
Let me tell you a quick story.
My friend was dating this guy we knew from school. She was sleeping with him and he didn’t put a condom on and busted inside her! She was stressed and worrying about getting pregnant. She was late that month but thankfully got her period. But before she knew he made her take a pregnancy test in front of her. When it turned out she wasn’t pregnant, they both sighed with relief.
Later on she sleeps with him again and he doesn’t put on a condom AGAIN! And he busts in her again! And this time she softly tells him, “Why, why would you do this again when we just got through this stressful situation?” This time she takes a Plan B.
He asked her what she would have done if she was pregnant. She told him she would terminate. He was shocked and said, “I’m spanish, we don’t do that. I should have a say too!”
Moral of the story: my friend really needs to kick this guy to the curb. He obviously didn’t learn his lesson the first time because he keeps on trying to bust in her despite how much the pregnancy scares stress her out and how much she requests he wrap it up! AND he feels so entitled to her body that he should have a say on whether she has an abortion or not!
At the end of the day, us ladies need to protect ourselves and ONLY engage in sex when our partners have proven WORTHY. That means commitment. Otherwise we’re just putting our lives, we’ll-being, health and mental health on the line for a guy who obviously isn’t worth it.
As girls, we were taught to share and be gentle. To be kind and take care of the feelings of others. But as women, we need to learn to value our own boundaries and put ourselves first. It’s hard. Especially when we’ve been conditioned in the exact opposite way.
My heart goes out to all the women who have been disrespected, assaulted, and manipulated. I’m hoping this post reaches the next generation of girls and women who can learn how to set boundaries with men quickly from our experiences and grow from them. This post is meant to inspire and offer examples of healthy boundaries in relationships.
If there’s anything you take away from this post it should be to never be afraid to say, “NO.” That “NO” holds weight, always.
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As a salesperson, I understand the importance, of constantly selling. The phrase “Always be hustling” is what comes to my mind. So when I took on my boring corporate job I realized quickly that this company: 1) only saw me as a number and 2) only cared about my output in terms of dollars. At first I didn’t realize the importance of having a second source of income.
The first two years I did everything… EVERYTHING to make sure I was recognized as a hardworking employee. When the company asked me, “please work 6 days a week while we work to hire extra staff,” I jumped at the opportunity to show off my hard work and determination. But in reality, there were things outside of my control that hurt me in my job: my manager was badmouthing me, my personality didn’t scream “go getter”, I was too quiet, etc… And once these perceptions were set in place, it was impossible for me to turn around.
Despite being a good performer and getting great evaluations, I was overlooked and my talents were unnoticed. When an opening came up that I could be promoted to, I wasn’t even considered. I learned the hard lesson in life that sometimes you just don’t get credit or recognition you deserve. And working hard for a company doesn’t always translate to dollars. It’s now very clear to me that even if you have a secure and reliable job, you should always have a side hustle. Life is just too unpredictable.
Then my worst fear came true, my company added another agent for us to share commissions with but didn’t adjust our base salary. Three people are now sharing a pie that used to only feed two. Now we’re squabbling over deals like our lives depend on it.
Moral of the story is that things can always change at work financially for you, the income you have today can easily be changed tomorrow if the company so chooses.
Good thing I have a side hustle going on. I’ve been reselling like crazy. Doing the whole buy cheap as possible at liquidation auctions and selling as high as possible. Poshmark, Mercari, EBay, Depop, Facebook Marketplace, Vinted; you name it, I’m on it.
My motivation comes from my favorite entrepreneur: Gary Vanderchuk. If you don’t know him, he’s hustled his way into millions. First with his father’s wine business, then building a content marketing and social media management agency. He does these YouTube episodes called “Trash Talk” where he goes to all these garage sales and finds things to flip. I felt inspired that a self made millionaire would be so humble to take the time to show how easy it is to make money online.
So here I am spending my nights and weekends trying to build something real so I can get out of my 9-5 job that only gives me a 3% raise every year, if that.
Today I’m here to remind you that IF YOU’RE NOT HUSTLING A SECOND INCOME, THEN YOU’RE ONE EVENT AWAY FROM POVERTY.
I don’t know about you, but even with a solid income and array of benefits, even with a partner who contributes to the finances: I still find it hard to save money for a house or save for retirement. THIS IS WITH ME BUDGETING AND TRACKING EXPENSES EVERY MONTH! It seems like I’m either going to have to work twice as hard now, or twice as long. Personally, I’d rather work twice as hard while I’m young and still have the energy.
I think about what if I lose my job? That’s easily a possibility. I mean, they’ve already cut into my commissions without remorse. What if my husband or I become disabled? Of course no one wants to think about these terrible scenarios but let’s be honest, tragedy hits families every day and then they have to figure it out.
For me, the biggest reason to have a side hustle is to save enough of my second income and create a barrier to protect my family from financial tragedy.
If I lost my job, it would only take a total of 3 months before I had to go in the red and start relying on credit cards. Having worked since I was 18, I just don’t find that acceptable at my age to feel that insecure. So here I am, trying to rub two dollars together and make a twenty.
You don’t necessarily have to resell to have a side hustle but I consider it to be a pretty fast way to build capital. Here are some other ideas on how to make money and always be hustling:
2)Tutoring children and babysitting
3)Blogging and monetizing the traffic
4)moonlighting and taking on extra shifts at work or a 2nd job bar tending
5)Social Media- becoming a content creator and monetizing the following once you reach 100K followers.
I like reselling because it’s flexible, easy and fairly cheap to get into. If you have a thousand dollars to spare, that can buy you a lot of inventory. And, if you’re smart, at least 200 pcs.
Side hustles aren’t meant to be glamorous. They’re meant to create financial buffers to keep you from ruin and help make a plan for the future. A lot of people make the mistake, because they make $25 or $30 an hour, of thinking that making less per hour at a side hustle as not worth your time.
That’s a huge mistake because even if you only make an additional $100 a week for your effort, that will easily translate to $5000 a year and over the course of 10 years that adds up to $50,000! I don’t know about you but I could use an extra $50,000. That would pay off the balance of my student loans and would be a sizeable enough down payment for a home. That kind of money can do a lot! Or, if you invest it wisely, it can grow even more!
Impatience tends to be the killer of dreams and keeps you from the “always be hustling’ mindset. For many, the thought of spending their nights and weekends building a business or saving some money is too hard of a commitment. Impatient people are too dependent on their guilty pleasure like reality tv, candy crush games and mindless social media scrolling. Seeing the long term game in life and playing to win long term will be the difference between living with wealth and living on the edge of poverty.
So I definitely believe that being a forever hustler is key to having stability, changing your life, meeting your financial goals and overall happiness. A healthy second income won’t buy happiness but it can definitely solve some problems. So always be hustling.
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I turned 30 earlier this year and with each passing day am only getting closer to 31. I hate to say this but, in a way, I’ve entered middle age. MIDDLE AGE! Yes, 30s is the beginning of middle age. There was a time in my life where being 30 seemed incredibly old (when I was 16), now 16 seems incredibly young. At 16, I didn’t know how to be an adult, let alone anything about growing up.
But officially I’m supposed to be an adult. I do a lot of adult things now like take care of my children, do my own laundry, pay my bills, have a job that pays well with insurance and cook in bulk for the week. This is what I always aimed for, this sort of busy and put together life that I could call success.
Only, sometimes I don’t feel like it’s really success. I didn’t escape the rat race, actually, I fell right into it and can’t get out for the life of me. I don’t have enough time for the things that really matter to me. And on top of it all, I feel like a slave to my employer.
I feel like they missed a lot in school in terms of teaching young people how to be functioning members of society and how we’re supposed to be growing up into adults. Of course trigonometry and algebra could not be missed but teaching you about differences in healthcare plans and how to open a bank account? Totally unimportant. (Sarcasm).
I look at my 6 year old daughter and think, I’ve got to do better, honestly. I hope she’s not as unprepared for adulthood as I was because the learning curve is steep. And at 30, I still don’t feel like I’ve truly caught up.
So here’s what they don’t tell you about being an adult and growing up:
1) There’s no true freedom
Freedom they said. Growing up and being an adult is about having complete freedom. No more parents giving you curfews or giving you a pitiful allowance. As an adult you get to call the shots and make decisions about your life. When I was an adolescent I really thought that this was how life worked. If only I was an adult, things would be so much better.
Actually, it doesn’t work like that. Because of a thing called “Money.” Living with your parents and being “controlled” by them is actually more of a safety net. Children don’t have to worry themselves with the day to day cost of living. Things like food, clothes, shelter and transportation are 100% covered, in most cases, by parents. So even though as a teenager you’re limited in what you can do, major responsibilities have yet to fall on your plate.
Adults on the other hand have major constraints on their freedom in terms of having to make an income that subsidizes their daily lives. They have to go to sleep early to wake up at 6am to get to their job. It’s a money imposed curfew. They can’t buy ridiculous $1500 Gucci shoes because they realize that their going to have to work X hours/days to pay it off.
As an adult I wish I knew that my adolescent years would be the most relaxing and fun times of my life. Even though I had some restrictions, I had youth, time and energy on my side.
2) People only care about themselves
I was raised learning that it was important to care about each other, to share and, in general, to have good virtues. It was such a huge life lesson to see how time and time again people only acted in their own best interest. In some instances it came across as terribly selfish, in others, as an act of self preservation.
It was definitely a hard lesson for me because, in most cases, people were super nice to my face. But when push came to shove, whenever either a coworker or friend saw an opportunity that benefited themselves over me, they took it. If it was only an acquaintance, it was SURE to happen.
Meanwhile, I was raised to put others before myself, be selfless, be giving, and think about others’ needs. It took me a long time to learn that these values are important but I needed to use them sparingly, with people who deserved it from me. Everyone else needs to earn it.
3) Bills, Bills, Bills
I kind of already touched on the reality that adulthood is centered around paying your bills. But honestly growing up I never realized how expensive life in general is. You really need to make $100K a year minimum where I live just to make ends meet. When I was 16 I would have been happy to earn $20k a year, but things are different when you have to pay your own housing, food, transit, clothes and everything else bills.
I used to be like, “Why can’t my parent’s buy me these dumb candies I want or shoes or whatever?”
Adult me wants to smack little me and say, “Bitch! Our parents didn’t have money for that just like I don’t have money for that shit with my kids!”
When you’re unexposed to the realities of the world you kind of really have a sense of naïveté about things and how stuff works.
Now at 30, bills take pretty much all your money. And when I was 16, $200 felt like a windfall, now $200 feels like $5 out of my pocket because life is just too expensive.
I used to think that money was easier to attain or that my parents were just too stingy, but they were actually very smart with money and a lot of my good spending habits are learned from them!
4) Relationships are really hard
Finding the right relationship that could last a lifetime is probably the HARDEST thing to manage as an adult. I started dating “late” compared to other people. I had my first boyfriend at 18. As an adult, building long term relationships are super difficult. When I was younger, I didn’t understand why people broke up suddenly or why LOVE couldn’t win. Couples who were voted the cutest in class would break up out of nowhere. Of course in high school and college, this would be the talk of the school and everyone would gossip and speculate about what happened. “He cheated on her.” “She didn’t like that he was liking other girls’ pictures.” It was kind of like some sort of teen soap opera.
Now I’ve realized that you can just break up with someone because they don’t like the same food as you or aren’t as clean as you. Cheating is just one of the many reasons why relationships don’t work out. There could be a cultural divide. He could be misogynistic or she can be a misandrist. It could be one fight that you never bounce back from. Literally so many reasons why relationships aren’t meant to last.
When I was young I just couldn’t understand this. I sort of had this preconceived notion that there were “soulmates” or one person in this world that could “complete me.” At the end of the day, relationships aren’t meant to complete you, most importantly they should add value to your life and compliment who you are as a person. Toxic relationships do just the opposite. But toxic relationships aside, just finding a healthy relationship and getting through the tough spots is hard as hell! I guess that’s just part of growing up, realizing your ideals are just that-ideals.
So now when I hear that some cute and favorite couple I know of broke up, I just shake my head and think to myself, “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.” Because adult relationships are never easy.
5) You’re never going to feel like you have it all together
It’s never going to happen. I always thought that it would but I never woke up and felt like adulthood hit me. Yes, I’m more responsible now because I have to support a family. Yes, I pay my bills because otherwise I would be out on the street. Yes, I make conservative choices and stick to a routine. But am I this way because I choose to be or because life has forced it on me?
Sometimes I get people in their early 20s who look up to me. I can tell they look at me and see me as someone who has it put together. And I look back at them like, “not really…” Just because someone has a kid, a husband and a job does not mean they are put together. I still have so much on my bucket list.
Like not working a job that makes me hate myself, having a surplus of money to buy a house, having a semblance of a work/life balance, buying new furniture, getting a second car, not relying on my parents still for some financial support and other things like that.
I am NOT put together. Every day I feel like I’m one catastrophic event away from falling apart instead of growing up.
So yeah, if I had my pick I would just live my childhood/adolesence years over and over again because this sh*t is HARD. I wish I would have known that all I have to look forward to growing up is paying bills, not having enough vacation time, the ability to drink alcohol and working long hours.
If you were born after 2001, all I have to say to you is enjoy your young, beautiful, youthful and carefree life now. Adulthood is just around the corner waiting for you and it’s not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.
I’ve been going through a phase of cleaning out my closet to get rid of extra clothes. OBSESSIVELY. I literally wear maybe 10% of my clothes. And I think most of us are like that. We buy something maybe we wear it once, or there’s some feature that we just didn’t like about it and then we never wear it again. We hope we might but we never wear it again. I have so many things that I do this with it’s not even funny. Clothes, shoes, jewelry, random knickknacks, you name it. I’m also the type of personality that enjoys going to fleamarkets. I enjoyed sifting through racks for hours and then trying to get the best price. So of course I really enjoy the whole reselling used clothes/items thing that’s going on right now and wanted to learn how to resell clothes on eBay, Poshmark and Mercari.
And it seems like there’s more people buying used clothes. The public is more aware of how devastating the fast fashion industry has been on our environment as well as the wastefulness of constantly buying clothes. So in a way, buying used clothes, as long as they’re in good condition, is fine.
So here is my review on the three platforms (ebay, Mercari, Poshmark) and how to resell clothes on them. So far I’ve sold 3 items in 2 weeks!
eBay, oh eBay how I love you. Literally the OG of all reselling companies. I started dabbling with online selling in 2016, just selling a few things that were in my closet. Now here I am again, trying to learn how to resell the clothes out of my closet and maybe more if it works out.
The positive of selling on eBay is that it is a MASSIVE platform to sell to people. Since it’s older than both Mercari and Poshmark, it has more pull in terms of being the most familiar. The only issue I have with it is the auction feature. Of course eBay sold itself as being an online auction house first for basic things like electronics, games, clothes etc. And people are very used to getting REALLY good deals from this. In other words, the users are really cheap. Which is fine if you have the right product and can price it low enough.
For me, I’m selling clothes and some jewelry that I’ve already worn so I don’t need such a high markup. I’m pricing most of my clothes at $10-$40 depending on how worn they are or if it’s new with tags.
I didn’t use Ebay’s auction feature but did use it’s “buy now” feature. Here I can set the price, determine shipping costs and describe the item. They have this new option to “promote” where for an additional 10% fee you can get the listing promoted. They also take 10% fee when it sells. After 50 zero insertion fee listings, the insertion fee is $.35.
For the most part, this seems reasonable. I don’t opt to promote it because traffic on eBay is wonky. Sometimes an item will be priced well and sit, or sometimes priced high and move. If someone wants your product, they’ll buy it or at least send you an offer.
The one item I sold on eBay, someone submitted an offer. And since I wasn’t losing money, I took it. I just wanted to get rid of the clothes.
Shipping is probably their best feature. After you’re done selling, you just ship it off using their prepaid shipping label. Their vendor is USPS, it comes with tracking and I find their rates VERY competitive. So for the most part you don’t have to worry about shipping. I don’t include shipping in my listings but I never charge higher than $4.99. Pretty much the best place to start if you want to learn how to resell clothes.
This is a very similar website to eBay. I mean, other than not having an auction feature, they’re almost identical. It’s basically the “Buy Now” feature only.
I did find that the traffic there is a little bit better for clothes whereas, EBay it was limited. Views kind of trickle in on eBay.
One main difference is in promoting your listing- just lower the price. The new listings show up on the top of the search but discounted ones get kind of a refresh button and show up on the top too with a down arrow indicating prices are dropped. This type of promoting definitely encourages people to kind of wait and see if prices lower. HOWEVER, there is a “like” feature similar to eBay’s “watching” feature that allows buyers to know if there are other interested buyers. This can create a sense of urgency that could help move a listing along and get rid of clothes that you’re selling.
I sold one item on Mercari and would rate the the shipping as fair, not too expensive but not as good as eBay. For some reason, I feel compelled to offer free shipping on products. That probably plays into why I get a little more views on Mercari than I do on eBay. Sales-wise they’re pretty equal. Fee-wise similar to eBay with 10% commission and no listing fees.
Payment processing is a bit different. eBay indicates the payment has been made immediately, and if there are any issues buyers can dispute after. Mercari only shows payment once the buyer has received the item. And then they have 3 days after delivery to confirm the product is as described and it was delivered. If they don’t, the funds get automatically deposited to the seller’s account.
Honestly not sure how I feel about this. Because I’m only selling small items and clothes, this doesn’t feel too risky. If I was selling electronics, I think it would cause issues to delay payment like that.
Overall a good platform that compliments eBay.
I have yet to get a sale here, but I’m giving it an honest chance because I really want to know how to resell clothes on this website.
Overall, it’s definitely a more social platform. Poshers (aka sellers) have to share each other’s listings as part of the platform’s structure. There’s also a follower and following section of your profile that is above your listings. I’ve been on Poshmark for less than 2 weeks and I have over 4K followers. It’s customary to follow back here. There are tons of sellers that have over 100K followers and following.
Because of this social aspect, it’s more time consuming.
But there’s definitely a hustle to this platform.
Like both eBay and Mercari, you can cover shipping, offer discounts, etc., but on Poshmark you can suggest an item if someone has something of yours in their bundle (shopping cart). This is how you can sweeten the deal. You can offer an addition item be taken with a 5% discount and also offer to cover part or all of the shipping. It’s a sweet deal for them and sweet for you.
However, Poshmark has to be the more expensive platform of the 3 with a 20% commission fee and a buyer shipping cost of $6.79. That $6.79 shipping cost the buyer has to pay will in turn make them more price conscious and the 20% cut that the seller has to pay makes the products more expensive.
I do believe that the clientele on Poshmark is willing to spend and, in a way, they’re more stylish. Unlike eBay and Mercari where you can sell anything, Poshmark is only clothes, shoes, accessories, makeup, and perfumes. It’s rare to see anything outside of that there. Since the clientele is more stylish, they’re going to appreciate good marketing and will likely pay more for it. At least you can get rid of clothes and make a pretty penny from it.
I don’t know much about their shipping because I haven’t sold anything yet.
I will definitely keep Poshmark in my pocket as a contending selling platform.
Overall I think you can make a killing reselling and get rid of clothes in the process. The most important thing is to work all 3 of these platforms. The likelihood that an item will sell on 2 or all platforms at the same time is rare (as long as you price correctly), in which case you can cancel a sale on one of them, but using all 3 makes it easier to get your items to a buyer who will love it.
Hope you enjoyed this guide on how to get rid of clothes by reselling. Happy selling!
If you like “How To Resell Clothes: Ebay, Poshmark and Mercari” check out my other posts!